


Swimming in Shadows

by Kingrey



Category: MacGyver (TV 2016)
Genre: (they appear but not a lot), Blood and Injury, Car Accidents, Gen, Gunshot Wounds, Hurt/Comfort, Jack!Whump, Mac!whump, Phoenix Team - Freeform, Sad with a Happy Ending, Temporary Character Death, Time loop / Groundhog day, if you expect some kind of explanation for the time loop... don't, no one actually die in the end but I still describe different deaths!, sorry I'm not smart enough to find one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2020-02-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:28:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 21,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22018648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kingrey/pseuds/Kingrey
Summary: Mac kept one hand firm around Jack's biceps, ready wrench him from death itself if need to be. He didn't know what all of this meant, what was real and what was not, why he dreamt of the future but… If this was a second chance, there was no way in hell he wasn't gonna take it.
Relationships: Jack Dalton & Angus MacGyver (MacGyver TV 2016)
Comments: 65
Kudos: 64





	1. Another domino falls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!
> 
> It's been a long time since I posted anything but I was really stuck on this story. It's finished, so I'll post one chapter every week, more or less at the same time, which is sunday late afternoon in the United States if I'm not wrong. I started this back in February... Jack wasn't even gone from the show, but I'm really slow and I was stuck multiple times... Anyway, I hope you'll like this!

**_Try 1_ **

Mac woke up with a gasp, adorning a pale face and sweat-soaked hair. For one dizzying moment, he didn’t know up from down - everything was dark around him.

“Woah! Hoss, you're alright!”

Jack's voice and the feeling of his hand on Mac's knee grounded him in this darkness. He blinked twice, and suddenly the old car in which they were waiting came into focus. Mac groaned, his body one big ache, and took a deep breath - he needed to concentrate. Jack and him were on a mission, even if for now it only involved a fifty-hours-long monitoring of a pretty boring house.

“What was that?” Jack asked softly, brows creased in worry.

Mac shrugged, still getting his bearings. He felt his neck pop when he straightened and stretched it and, in general, he was feeling the kinda gross you feel after waking up from a too long nap. He was in the backseat, behind the passenger seat,and Jack was at the wheel, which explained why the latter was only touching him on the knee and not doing an entire body check.

“No, seriously kid” Jack insisted, clearly creeped out by Mac’s freak out. “Nightmare?”

“I don't know” Mac mumbled while rubbing his eyes, his heart still hammering in his chest. “I don't remember anything except… uh… the fact that I was afraid...” The last part was whispered, but Jack heard it nonetheless.

“The fear?” The ex-delta nodded, his smile sad but heartfelt. “Yeah, I get it kid. Sometimes these are the worst kind of nightmares, it only put you on edge for days.”

Mac sighed and Jack seemed satisfied enough to pat his knee and take back his hand. He knew enough about nightmares and Mac to know not to press the issue. The moon shone bright in the black sky and the dashboard indicated that it was a little past 2am. There was something smothering in the air, a heavy presence making Mac's body way too tight for himself, and each of his breaths similar to tiny needles piercing through his lungs. With one shake of his head, Mac tried to clear his thoughts. 

“Do you want to sleep?” he finally asked Jack, one hand massaging his temple. “I don't think I can sleep again right now, and it was nearly my turn to keep watch anyway.”

“I won't lie kid, that's hella tempting” Jack laughed quietly. “Nothing's happening here in any case, Aaron went to bed an hour ago or something. It's not even raining anymore!”

Aaron. No official last name, a lot of unofficial ones. The guy they had been monitoring for more than two-day straight, who was supposed to be a bloodthirsty drug lord with many contacts and an important ongoing deal but, as of now, had only been an average forty-years old with a worrying obsession for golf. His house was isolated from any forms of life, surrounded by a forest and, for safety reasons, Mac and Jack were monitoring him from a little road hidden by a patch of trees, having managed to sneak cameras and micros into his house. Thus, they had been able to see, in a much too high definition, Aaron slouched on his couch in dirty clothes all day. Mac knew better than to trust what he was seeing; however, he couldn't help but be bored by the facade. Jack too hasn't stopped complaining past the three-hour mark. And, for most of the day, it had rained non-stop, adding to the somber mood.

“C'mon, let's switch” Mac ground out, stretching one last time.

The cold outside their crappy car was a welcomed slap in the face, clearing Mac's head and lungs. He looked at the tall trees, the moon standing even higher above them, not one star in sight. The smell of nature after heavy rain was bordering on nauseating. Mac was still uneasy, his dream permeating the air as a thick fog would do, but the blond was more and more able to rationalise it. He had had his share of nightmares, he should know how to deal with them better now, he had no reason to… Mac sighed. If only it was that easy to escape a nightmare. He was growing frustrated. 

Jack must have felt it because his warm hand patted Mac’s shoulder. He didn’t say anything, probably because he knew that his partner was embarrassed, but his eyes were kind and comforting. It didn't help the knot in his stomach, but it was something.

Jack got in the back seat and closed the door, obviously cold.

Mac went to open his door on the opposed side.

Everything was icy and dark and terrifying and smelling of the end and Mac couldn't breathe. It was as if his dream was coming to life around him.

There was a cold hand holding his heart in its palm.

Chaos erupted in an instant - Mac automatically threw himself down as bullets rained over him, thankfully coming from the other side of the car. The backdoor opened and Jack crawled out of it, crashing roughly against the dirt. There was a pause between the shots, which allowed Jack to spring up and fires a couple of bullets himself before going down again. The new round was like thunder crackling in Mac's ears, a weird throwback to one of the times he was tased. He felt as frozen as if he was still being electrocuted, his eyes wide but unseeing, his body numb to the world around him.

Everything was too slow and too fast at the same time. Mac wanted to help, to do something, but all he could think about was the beat of his heart in his throat and the dreary dream he had.

As fast as it had started, the bullets stopped. Mac held his breath, expecting another round, but it seemed that they were truly left alone now. He was biting his lips, nearly making them bleed, as anger took over him: he had been frozen and helpless, as if he was a rookie, only because of a stupid dream he couldn't seem to shake.

“... You ‘k?”

It was asked so faintly that even a breeze could have swallowed the sound. But Mac heard it, and he heard the pain, the exhaustion, the blatant fear in it too. And suddenly, his dream of blood and tears was real, too real, and he was trying with trembling hands to keep Jack from choking on his own blood.

“No no no no no…”

Mac kept whispering it, wishing his hands to suddenly be able to seal and heal a wound magically, wishing science to be wrong for once, wishing his calculations to be false because he was just an  _ idiot _ who froze when Jack needed him and  _ oh god he's going to die and I'll be dead with him _ .

A cold hand stroked his cheek, taking away his tears to leave blood in their place.

“C'mon… D'n't cry…”

And Mac cried harder without a sound, trying to focus on Jack's smiling face through the blur of his tears. Of course his partner would try to cheer him up even as one of his lungs collapsed. Of course Jack would smile, knowing that at least, it was him and not Mac. And Mac couldn't slow time, couldn't go back, could only cry and beg and pray.

He saw with perfect clarity the light in Jack's eyes go out, his skin so pale it was nearly translucent.

And Mac's hands were so dark with blood that they looked alien, the hands of a monster that couldn't save his friend.

The night was cold. The hand of terror wrapped around his heart. Mac sobbed. The hand squeezed. His heart burst.

Mac woke up with a gasp, adorning a pale face and sweat-soaked hair.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TIME LOOP YEAH
> 
> This was more of a prologue than anything but I still hope you liked it! I wrote this back in February when I was despairing the lack of time loop au in the Macgyver fandom but since then, I saw that Orianess wrote one of her own! If you love these kinds of stories as much as me, don't hesitate to go read hers if it's not already done!!
> 
> Anyway, prepare yourselves, this is going to be a wild ride. I usually avoid going too deep into a plot because I'm pretty bad at it, but I tried my best (which is going to be my motto for this story lmao). I'm not a hundred percents satisfied but I figured that I would never be anyway, so here I go. I'm pretty nervous because it took me such a long time and I'm scared that it won't be good anyway, but I'm trying to stay positive!
> 
> Thank you for reading and please, don't hesitate to leave your impression in the comments!


	2. Our nights have grown so long

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And suddenly, the world lost its meaning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I just wanted to say thank you to all the kind people who commented on the first chapter, you made my day :) I hope you'll like this one too!

**_Try 2_ **

Mac woke up with a gasp, adorning a pale face and sweat-soaked hair. For one dizzying moment, he didn’t know up from down - everything was dark around him.

“Woah! Hoss, you're alright!”

_ Jack _ . Jack's voice, and Jack's hand on his knee, and Jack's terrified worry as he saw tears go down Mac's cheeks. Mac's breathing was too fast, too wheezy, and it only got worse as black spots hid Jack from his view. Jack was dead, he thought, Jack was dead once again and everything was black and covered in blood and it was his fault only his fault god-

“ANGUS!”

Mac's head snapped up. He was dizzy, his heart like a rabbit trying to escape his ribs, but his hand… His right hand was on something warm, and solid, and there was a heart beating under his palm. Jack, who had went to Mac's door without him noticing, was looking at him, fear barely concealed in his eyes.

“You feel that kid?” he asked, using the soft voice reserved to kids and hurt civilians (and Mac, who was both his kid and hurt).

Mac's throat was dry. He was probably going to puke. But he could feel that, Jack's heart, the most beautiful thing he ever felt, except for the fact that he felt it in its last moments, when it was pumping the blood that was drowning Jack, when it was growing exhausted from the effort and slowing down, slowing down, slowing down…

“Focus on me Mac” said Jack firmly, “c'mon, breathe with me”

And Mac did, slowly, trying to accept this hallucination as reality, thinking that maybe he just broke. Because Jack's death would break him, for sure, and maybe seeing his ghost and talking to it was as much his punishment as his reward. He breathed, in and out, in rhythm, and wanted to forget the fact that Jack did not breathe anymore, because Jack was dead and Mac was dead with him.

“Hey, hey none of us are dead!” Jack reassured frantically. “It was only a bad dream Mac, nothing more, don't you feel my heart?”

“I saw you…” Mac choked on a sob, his brain unable to reconnect the realities, completely useless for once. “You were dead an’ I… I…”

“I'm alive Mac, I swear”

Jack put his hand on Mac's cheek, so warm compared to the stone-cold hand that stroked it earlier, covering him in blood. A whimper escaped Mac, the image so bright he could still taste the coppery smell of blood on his tongue. 

“We're leaving” Jack suddenly announced, his eyes darkened by fear. Mac said nothing, but his partner thought he had to justify himself more. “You just had… A massive panic attack or something, you're in no state to do this. Someone else can watch Aaron”

“...‘k”

This subdued answer seemed to worry Jack even more. Mac only wanted to go home. He didn't… If that was a dream, it was a cruel one. He felt Jack die, as much as he was feeling Jack being alive in front of him. He wanted the night to be over, the cold hand on his heart to let him go, the awful images of Jack dying to disintegrate into this inaccessible emotion that was the core of a dream. It was all too real, and Mac didn't know right from wrong.

Jack sighed and, when he was sure that Mac had stopped hyperventilating, he got up from where he was kneeling next to Mac's legs. It was cold outside. It smelt heavily of rain. To go back to the wheel, Jack was standing in front of…

Mac's eyes widened, and he threw himself on his door. Maybe it wasn't a dream and Jack died and Mac died with him, but maybe it  _ was _ a dream, a dream of what was to come. Mac was slow, too goddamn slow once again, and he didn’t remember how much time had passed between him waking up and them being shot at. He opened violently the door, Jack startled and looked at him and… And…

The gunshots were thunder, the anger of the sky destroying everything in its wake. Mac jumped on Jack, ignoring the hard bump of his head against the wet dirt, ignoring the dizziness, the blood on his tongue, the coppery taste… Bullets rained on them, and Jack was trying to get up but Mac was using all his willpower to subdue him and keep him down.

He knew the break between bullets would be short, but he had to get Jack to cover, so he quickly made him crawl toward the other side of the car. Jack was compliant for the most part, and they were sufficiently hidden for the second round of bullets.

Mac kept one hand firm around Jack's biceps, ready wrench him from death itself if need to be. He didn't know what all of this meant, what was real and what was not, why he dreamt of the future but… If this was a second chance, there was no way in hell he wasn't gonna take it.

The bullets stopped. Mac didn't dare breath. They both waited in silence but the shooting was over, as Mac dreamt it.

“What was that!” shouted Jack, pulling himself violently from Mac's grasp but not getting up yet.

Mac stayed quiet, drinking the sight of an irate and alive Jack. He was alive. He was  _ alive _ . Mac's thoughts were stuck in a loop, unable to cope with Jack dying and Jack being saved all within the same (was it the same?) night.

Jack was talking, his tone angry but his eyes concerned, but the white noise in Mac's ears drowned it all. The blond was cold.

“Shit” Jack breathed out, suddenly pale, “shit hoss you're bleeding”

Mac laughed, half expecting the bullet to be lodged in his chest as Jack's bullet had been, a sort of poetic irony, but it was only his leg. His partner didn't seem to get the comic of the situation but the mixture between extreme relief and the ever-present dread in Mac’s heart practically made him high.

He let Jack help him in the passenger seat of their bullet ridden car. He snorted when the car actually started, not believing their  _ luck _ . Jack was talking to him non-stop, probably to keep in grounded. It was 2:36am. Thirty-six minutes. That was all the time that had passed between his awakening and now. Jack died once in these thirty-six minutes. How  _ short _ .

A hard pinch on his arm shook Mac out of his thoughts, and he mumbled protests when Jack kept doing it until Mac met his eyes. He looked so freaked out - maybe he was going to be sick, Mac thought.

“Why did they shoot at us?” Jack asked him, trying to keep him awake and thinking.

“...’dunno”

“C'mon, think. Do you think Aaron ordered it?”

Aaron. Mac forgot about him. This lazy man constantly watching golf, the most boring drug trafficker of all times. To say that he could have been responsible for destroying Mac entire life without even getting his ass off his couch. Mac laughed again, or else he would have cried. Maybe this was the dream after all. Maybe Jack was dead, and Aaron was watching golf, and Mac was so broken that he was stuck in his mind, re-inventing reality. Maybe… Maybe…

There was a cold hand holding his heart in its palm. Mac recognized it, could probably recognize it forever.

The blond didn't have the time to scream before something exploded in front of their car. Jack slammed the break and tried to avoid it but their car careened into a tree. The pain in Mac's body made him black out for a second, but the permanent scream to  _ protect Jack _ in his head pushed him to hold onto consciousness.

Jack was passed out but alive, his head bleeding badly. Mac wanted to get him out, to protect him from… Fate, or whatever it was that was torturing him, but every of his moves put him in a world of pain.

Everything was hazy, going out of focus, except Jack's slack face on the wheel. If Mac could only-

The world exploded in red. Half of Mac's face was suddenly warm. His shoulder was burning.

There was a man with a smoking gun outside Jack's side of the car. There was blood on Mac's face. Jack's head... His brain refused to link these facts. He couldn't… He couldn't…

He saw a man pointing a gun at him. Mac couldn't focus, couldn't do anything because if he looked, if his brain started working again, then he would see the reason behind the warm blood trickling along his chin. He would see Jack. He would see death, once again.

The man said something. Mac didn't care. The entire world was covered in red. His heart burst at the same time the man pulled the trigger.

Mac woke up with a gasp, adorning a pale face and sweat-soaked hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you see, I'm not being too kind on our dear Mac... Neither on Jack... Sorry?
> 
> It's crazy because I can't wait to publish these chapters, but once I do I kind of want to hide into a hole in case you don't like it lmao But you have all been very kind, so there's no reason to it really, my nerves should calm down.  
> Oh and happy new year! I hope that 2020 will be good for you :)
> 
> Anyway sorry I don't have much to say, except that the chapters get a little longer each time! What do you think will happen next?


	3. Where all the demons go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How do you flee the inescapable?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe the chapters are a little repetitive... But I liked writting them and 2020 is the year we write self-indulgent things (even if, technically, I wrote that last year)
> 
> As always, thank you for the comments and the kudos on the last chapter, it means a lot!

**_Try 3_ **

Mac woke up with a gasp, adorning a pale face and sweat-soaked hair. For one dizzying moment, he didn’t know up from down - everything was dark around him.

“Woah! Hoss, you're alright!”

Jack's voice seemed to take all the breath away from Mac's lungs. Everything was still stark clear in his mind - it was as if a burning blade was embedded in his stomach, while his heart was still so cold. Jack died, twice, and Mac was useless,  _ twice _ . He felt sick.

“Kid?” Jack asked again, his warm and worried eyes meeting Mac's - the eyes that were always watching over him, that only ever held kindness for Mac, that were more comforting than his own father's were. The world flashed red and Mac felt like choking.

“We're going” Mac asserted before he even thought about it.

He ignored Jack's worried sputtering, blinked the tears out of his eyes and took a shuddering breath. There wasn't anything in this situation that science could explain - that never happened in Mac's life. Maybe all of this was just a psychotic break, the result of seeing Jack dies. Maybe he was dead and in hell, even if he never really believed in it, and this was his punishment. Maybe this was the most fucked-up nightmare in all history of nightmares.

But if there was only one chance that this was all real, then he would save Jack or die trying.

“Move over, I'm driving” 

“What? Kid” Jack smiled, his tone placating, but his creased brows betrayed his worry. “I dunno what's gotten into you but we have a deal, I'm the one who-”

“Jack” Mac pleaded, meeting the older man's eyes.

He doesn't know what Jack saw in his, but it was enough to make him move to passenger seat. Of course, he was still talking a mile a minute, but he was also listening. Mac got to the front of the car awkwardly, but he didn’t want to try going outside. As he took the wheel, he saw that it was 2:04am. The first time, Jack had died a little before 2:36. The second, it couldn't have been more than ten minutes after.

There was still time.

Mac started the car and drove away as fast as he could, which was not much because their car was crap. Jack had one hand the door handle and the other on Mac's knee.

“C'mon kid, you have to give me something” he claimed again.

“Someone's coming to kill us” Mac answered through gritted teeth. His jaw was tense and his eyes never left the road.

“Who? Aaron?”

“I don't… Maybe. I don't care. I… We need to get far away from here”

Mac couldn't think about anything and he couldn't look at Jack. If he did, he would see the blood seeping from the corner of his mouth. If he did, he would see the bruise near his right eye. If he did, he would see the red, see his crane after…

Mac bit his lips so hard it started bleeding. He needed to focus. His head was aching. Could they have gone far enough? It was now 2:21am. They were further away than they got on try two, but the blond refused to relax. The cold hand was still near his heart, brushing it from time to time, tempted to hold it once again.

He pressed harder on the gas pedal.

None of this made sense - none of this fitted Mac's perception of reality but here he was, fleeing what seemed to be Jack's inescapable destiny. He couldn't let Jack die. Not again. Not  _ again _ . Mac's eyes were burning… (but his heart was cold, and he didn't notice, as he grew accustomed to it)

He flinched hard as bullets rained down on their car and deviated a little from the road but he was careful not to have an accident (again). Jack was yelling something, gripping Mac's thigh and somewhat leaning down to protect his head. There was more time between bullets than at the first occurrence, Mac noticed. It wasn't the same weapon. If this was the same guy, he probably had at least three weapons, an automatic rifle, a grenade and handgun, which Mac saw up close…

He thought- He doesn't know what he thought, that maybe this time they could get away? That if the car didn’t break down last time it meant it was unbreakable?

All that was needed was a well-placed shot, and they careened off the road.

Thankfully, they didn’t smash into a tree this time. Mac could have laughed if he wasn't desperately keeping himself from crying. Jack forcefully extracted him from his seat and Mac stumbled to his knee, nonplussed. His whole body was numb. He was breathing too fast and his head was spinning.  _ It couldn't… It couldn't… It couldn't… _

Time was ticking inside his head.

Jack took an iron hold of his arm and dragged him into a run towards nearing trees. With his other hand, he was gripping his gun, dying to fire it but having no idea where the shots were coming from. A shot hitting a tree near them shook Mac to his core - he couldn't be useless again. Suddenly he was the one pulling Jack to make him go faster.

They ran and ran and  _ ran _ . Mac knew it would never be enough.

The ground was wet from the rain. Mac slipped on a particularly muddy area and fell down.  _ Of course _ , he thought, of course his clumsiness was going to come out now. He was panicking, he knew it, and he also knew that it made him less sharp, less  _ useful _ . He needed to be useful. Jack needed him to be useful.

Jack was panting next to him, his gun still up but his other hand extended to help him get up. Everything was unnaturally silent. No one was shooting anymore.

“Fuck” Jack bit out once Mac was standing, his left hand still gripping his partner. “Who  _ was _ that? I refuse to believe that Aaron can be this athletic”

Of all the things Mac expected Jack to say, this wasn't it. The blond couldn't stop himself from snorting. Maybe the only constant in his universe was that Jack wasn't one. But he was actually making a point: it couldn't be Aaron. So who was it? A hitman? A rival of Aaron mistaking them for security? A totally unrelated enemy?

“We need to…” Mac trailed off.

“Run? I don't know how much good it's gonna be since we don't have a clue where the guy is” Jack mused, politely ignoring Mac continuous freak out and his apparent inability to finish his sentences. “I should call Matty, wait a sec”

As his partner was awkwardly manoeuvring both his gun and his phone, Mac was just standing here, shivering and a little lost. He didn’t know what time it was, how… How could he track the time Jack had left? What was going to happen now, in this scenario completely unlike the previous ones? He felt nauseous trying to predict the unpredictable. He needed to protect Jack.

From the corner of his eyes, he saw a shadow moving slowly, a weapon in its hand. His heart was cold.

Rationally, Mac knows that he should have signalled it to Jack with discretion, to try to surprise their aggressor or at least to let the actually armed agent deal with the danger. Rationally, when he saw the rifle in its arms, he should have screamed to duck, listening to the overpowering instinct to protect Jack and himself from a bullet. Rationally…

Rational Mac disappeared on try two, when Jack’s head exploded in red.

The shadow was trying to sneak up on them instead of directly shooting at them - it wouldn’t have been a mistake if Mac had reacted normally. The blond leaped toward the weapon and ripped it from its hands to throw it aside. 

The shadow had stormy blue eyes. Mac punched them.

Even though he was a trained agent, not only he wasn't normally getting this physical but he was also in no state to be effective. Jack was yelling something, but once again Mac couldn't understand him. He was feeling a little guilty for ignoring his partner again and again, but this time, it was because he was fighting the guy out to kill Jack.

He had the upper hand but was too distracted by his desire to protect Jack. One punch to the stomach disoriented him enough to let the guy grab his arm and twist it behind his back. He got Mac facing his alarmed partner. Furthermore, he took out his handgun and pressed it to Mac’s temple.

So. It wasn't his brightest moment.

Mac shivered - for a second, everything was cold and still and silent between the three men.

“Let him go” Jack ground out, arms steady but his jaw so tense he was probably going to shatter his own teeth.

The Shadow (as Mac decided to name him) said nothing but he tightened his grip on the blond.

“What do you want?” Mac wondered out loud, not particularly addressing the guy - well he would still like to know the answer, but he was still half-convinced to be in the middle of a psychotic break. Not his brightest moment, we said.

“Let my partner go” Jack barked again when the man only stayed silent.

“Put your gun down” the man ordered, his breathing warm on Mac’s ear (that was  _ disgusting) _

Jack shook his head no, his hand gripping his gun. He was opening his mouth to argue some more when Mac felt his head be violently snapped backward toward the man. His neck was stretched to its limit and he couldn't see Jack anymore. Only the sky, desperately black as ink, and the asshole's blue eyes and masked face.

“Drop your gun or I blow his head off” the guy screamed, not with the composure Mac imagined him to have.

“Alright alright” his partner immediately replied, “let's all stay cool right?”

“Jack” Mac gasped, “Jack keep your gun he-”

He choked on his last words as the man once again pulled his hair back. The cold muzzle of the gun was now more on his cheekbones.

“You, shut up” the man growled before turning to Jack, “and  _ you _ , I won't repeat myself. Put your gun down or he's dead.”

Mac knew that Jack wouldn’t hesitate. He knew before he even heard the sound of the gun touching the ground, he  _ knew _ that Jack would always prioritize his safety over anything else. He knew all that, because it was why his partner kept dying.

“You're gonna kill him no matter what” he murmured, eyes closed and head pounding.

The shadow didn't answer. Mac was already hyperventilating when the gunshot deafened his right ear. He didn’t want to look. He already felt with his whole body the thud of Jack's body on the ground. The other man relaxed his grip - Mac threw himself on the ground and vomited.

He failed. Again.

It was a bad dream, maybe. The third one in a row. He couldn't stop himself from looking at Jack crumbled form, so still and so bloody. Mac heaved again. His ears were ringing hard and nothing felt real. He wanted another chance, it couldn't… Jack’s life couldn't end like that. Jack was too special to…

The cold hand on his heart and the cold muzzle against his head were weirdly coordinated. Not for the first time, Mac was glad for them.

Mac woke up with a gasp, adorning a pale face, sweat-soaked hair, and determined eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah ah, a little change in attitude! Plus, we finally met the bad guy! Slowly but surely (and painfully for Mac), things are moving.
> 
> Tbh I wrote each chapters with a particular idea on Jack's death and Mac's reaction, which is why the plot is so slooooow... It's not my strong suit, but I tried to solve this at the end of the story! I don't have much else to say except... Next chapters is one of my favorite... ;)
> 
> Thank you for reading!!


	4. All that I have to lose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mac had learned at a young age the meaning of sacrifice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!! I just wanted to say, I am SO sorry for not answering your comments, I read them all but I've been a little overwhelmed lately... I will answer, promise, I'm just slow!
> 
> Technically, we're at the end of the first half of the story, but the fifth and sixth chapters are BIG. Anyway, this one is one of my fav, it's very whumpy but it's one of the ideas which motivated me to write this so I hope you'll like it!!

At this point, Mac was tired of waking up. He thought… He thought that a strong will to save Jack would be enough to push him through this, to make him able to save him. He saw the man responsible, he should be able to defend them, no?

Try four was as bad as the precedent. He drew next to no lesson from it - same number of weapons, same obscured face, same deep and unrecognizable voice.

And Jack died.

Again.

Mac woke up.

Again.

He wanted to learn the rules of this phenomenon - was it only Jack's death causing the reboot? He wished… To be the scientist he was, to experiment, to understand what seemed to be out of this world. This  _ couldn't _ be, there had to be rules but… Mac would never gamble Jack's life.

The only thing he was willing to try was saving his partner’s life.

Try five ended pretty much the same. Try six helped him define more precisely Jack's time of death. It was nothing, nothing usable, nothing Mac desired to learn. 

On try seven, they tried to flee on foot. It…

Mac doesn't want to think about it.

He doesn't want to think about anything. He keeps seeing Jack die - in a way, that's the only thing that is always the same but always different. The way his blood seeps out of his body, the way his eyes slowly lose their focus, the deathly coldness of his hands, his body, his face. (The painful agony of try seven. Jack being incoherent, barely stopping himself from begging Mac to finish the-  **_don't think of try seven._ ** ) Jack's death always feels like a new experience and no number of tries could make Mac accustomed to it.

He lost too much time having panic attacks on the next tries. Jack was always trying to comfort him - same sentences, same jokes, same worry lines creasing his forehead. The loop made itself visible in every little gestures Jack repeated unknowingly, and each time it knocked the breath out of Mac's lungs. (And Jack didn't understand, couldn't- he only wished Mac to  _ breathe, just breathe kid, c'mon _ ).

Mac lost time, Jack lost his life.

And then it started,  _ again _ .

An inescapable trap.

**_Try 12_ **

Mac woke up with a gasp, adorning a pale face and sweat-soaked hair. For one dizzying moment, he didn’t know up from down - everything was dark around him.

“Woah! Hoss, you're alright!”

It all came to him like a punch to his face. Mac threw open the door and puked - it was mostly bile anyway. He knows he should… Try something new, try to escape or at least he should not lose anymore of Jack's precious time. But he, he… He can't. He  _ can't _ , Jack's dead, Jack died and died and died and will die again no matter what Mac does.

Mac’s hand was being gently guided to Jack's heart, an habit they adopted to calm each other from panic attacks but- it's not the first time he felt this. It never saved Jack. The blond raises his head, he sees Jack's warm and worried brown eyes and it should help him, it should, it always had-

But he also sees the dozen of dead Jack, the ghost of their glazed eyes superimposed over the present. He can't leave them behind, he can't forget, he just… He…

He lightly pushed Jack away and heaved again.

It doesn't make sense. Jack dying didn't make sense the first time - he is too good of a man to be just… erased from Mac's life, without any warning, without any hope to save him. But then there was -  _ hope _ . A weird one, that Mac couldn't seem to grasp: was it really a second chance, or him going crazy? He still wasn’t sure, but he wasn't going to risk missing it. It still doesn't make sense, but in a way, it does, because it's been a while since Mac learned that the meaning of his life resolved around Jack living.

It's 2:24am.  _ Soon _ .

They can't flee, it’s too late, Mac knows it. He looks at Jack, at all the shadows of Jack from the other loops.

“Geez kid, you okay? You with me?” Jack practically implored.

“Yeah” Mac croaked, fighting not to cry again (Jack doesn't remember it but… Mac is embarrassed anyway. He cried way too much.)

Jack is worried, that much is clear. Mac likes to think that he seems each time more worried than the last, as if he retained something from the experiences. Maybe it's wishful thinking. Maybe it's a clue. Mac doesn't know, but he doesn't know much lately. 

He is exhausted, more than he ever was in his life.

He also realised that he had seen Jack constantly but didn't  _ see _ him at the same time. He had a one track mind these days - it didn't happen to him often, only when he kept failing. (Mac is supposed to be able to understand. If he can't… What is he even worth?) It had been an eternity since he last talked to Jack. But, in all this confusing mess, there is one thing that will always be true.

“I love you Jack” he blurted out.

Jack's eyes widened comically at this unusual declaration. Well, not really unusual, but most of the time they had to be near death for Mac to talk willingly about his feelings.  _ We are near death _ , Mac thought,  _ Jack just doesn't know it _ .

“I uh… I love you too buddy, of course, you know it” Jack babbled, afraid that Mac would close himself up if he wasn't a hundred percent supportive, but at the same time really  _ fucking _ worried. “What uh… Are you… I…?”

“Wow” Mac laughed, “did my emotions render you speechless? Was it the key, this whole time?”

Jack snickered like a teenage girl, which prompted Mac to do the same. It was nervous, it was worried, but it was freeing at the same time. It was 2:31am and the shooting could happen anytime in the next five minutes.

“Don't hate me for what is going to happen” Mac whispered.

“I could never hate you kiddo” his partner assured immediately, and Mac smiled.

He got up, a little wobbly on his feet, and Jack kept a safe distance - he didn't want to make his hovering too obvious. Mac took a deep breath, ignoring the clock ticking inside his head. He straightened himself. It was the first time he would try  _ this _ option - and it probably would cost Jack's life anyway. But, well, there were already screwed, so what the hell?

“HEY” Mac yelled, making Jack jump, “I KNOW YOU'RE HERE, AND I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA KILL US! DO IT NOW, YOU COWARD”

“Uh” Jack uttered, when silence lingered after his partner’s declaration. He had one hand on his gun, ever cautious, but he was clearly bewildered. “Mac, you sure that…?”

“DON’T IGNORE ME, I KNOW YOU'RE HERE” the blond fumed, “YOU'RE GONNA SHOOT ANYWAY SO SHOOT ME!”

“Mac!”

Jack's was clearly alarmed at this invitation, and Mac would have felt guilty for making him worry so much if a shot didn't echo at this precise moment.

Mac felt his heart drop in his stomach. He swirled around quickly, expecting to see Jack fall to the ground once again, wondering where this time the bullet would have ended.

Jack's eyes were open wide in terror, but they weren't glazed over.

For once, Mac felt cold, but there was no freezing hand around his heart. Time seemed to have slowed over. He put his hand on his stomach and his finger came back wet and shimmering under the light of the moon.  _ Poetic irony _ \- he remembered thinking about it on try two.

His knees failed him and he smashed his head on the muddy ground. That was frankly disgusting.

Jack was beside him in seconds. Or minutes, Mac's feeling of time was kind of blotchy. He was actually pretty comfortable lying down in the dirt, if not for the fact that he was tasting it. Unfortunately, Jack wasn't going to let him die like that - Mac moaned as Jack got him to lie on his back. Before he could catch his breath, Jack positioned his hands under his armpits and dragged him to the other side of the car. 

Mac screamed.

Any kind of thinking, of emotion, of plan was erased by the sheer pain he was experiencing. He never took a bullet in the gut before and, well, it hurt like nothing he has ever experienced. He could actually taste his own blood on his lips which was doing nothing to quell his rising nausea. He  _ really _ didn't want to try puking with a stomach wound.

Maybe he blacked out. He wasn't sure. He heard thunder, but it hadn't happened in all the previous tries so that didn't make sense. A weight pressed down on his stomach and Mac screamed again in raw agony. It ended in a whimper - he was too weak to even scream anymore.

Bit by bit the world came back into focus - he could smell the forest, feel his own blood under his palm, taste the blood he was choking on, see Jack's tear-streaked face hovering over him, hear his partner babbles meaningless promises that “ _ everything will be okay, kid, stay with me please please  _ **_please_ ** ”

“...’ck” Mac whispered, so quietly he was worried Jack wouldn't hear him.

The older man stroked Mac's sweaty hair back from his face, his eyes only reflecting the greatest fondness. Mac wished they could still be back home, that none of this madness had happened and that everything would be alright. Maybe it was like that time, five months ago, when he caught a bad strain of flu and was so sick that he stayed in bed for a whole week without complaining.

Jack had been beside himself with worry. Mac didn't remember much - his fever had been awfully high - but he could still see the softness in Jack's eyes as he stood guard all night long. He could still hear the worry and the love in his voice as he tried to explain to Mac that no, even if he just had the greatest idea of all time, he wasn't going to play with fireworks in his current state. As miserable as Mac had been, he also had been certain that no matter what, his family was here to protect him - and he was here to protect them as well.

After twelve failures, he wasn't so sure anymore.

“What the hell were you thinking kid?” Jack whispered brokenly, one of his hand holding Mac's cheek.

Jack's kind face floating over him in his room was overlayed with the one stained by blood and tears face, in the middle of nowhere at night-time. Mac thought that he was malfunctioning - his brain was tripping over itself trying to reconcile the real world, the pain, the blood, the tries, with the memory from his sickness.

“‘m s'rry” he slurred, hoping that Jack would stop looking so upset.

“God, kid, don't-” Jack choked up, his emotion getting the better of him as a tear escaped his eye once again. “It's okay” he whispered, “I forgive you, don't worry.”

“... hurts”

“I know kid” his partner shushed, stroking his hair once again. “It's gonna be okay, I'm gonna call Matty and she… We'll fix it, somehow. You only need to…” Jack sniffed louder, a fake smile plastered on his face. “You only need to stay with me, alright?”

Jack, as well as Mac, has an intimate knowledge these kinds of injuries. They both knew that Mac wasn't going to make it if he didn’t get help in the next five minutes - he was losing too much blood. It was nice to pretend. Mac wasn’t sure if him dying would break the loop, or if he would wake up again, but he was more worried about the second option than by the perspective of dying.

“‘m… ‘m glad ‘s'not you” Mac sighed, his dull eyes meeting Jack watery ones.

Jack let out a laugh, or maybe a sob, and took Mac's limp hand into his own. There was blood everywhere: on his shirt, on his pants and even on his face.

“I can't do this without you” he whispered, his voice broken and begging. “I can't… We were supposed to go kaboom together, remember?” Jack laughed, but it was hollow, and Mac knew that he hadn't saved his partner this time either.

It was ridiculous that he even thought that Jack could live without him - he viscerally knew how the reverse was wrong.

Mac wanted to say something, he wasn't sure what. Maybe apologise once again, or tell him he loved him, or explain that maybe it wasn't the end, explain the loop (but Jack would probably think he had gone crazy at this one which was fair enough). Instead, he coughed again and wondered if that was it when the smell of blood became the only thing that he could feel, when his whole world was reduced to his inability to draw a breath.

He was cold, so cold, and he was going to die and he didn't want to, didn't want to leave Jack, his family, everything good he had built out of the tragedy that was his life.

Then thunder roared once again.

At first, Mac didn't get it - he still could barely breathe and his vision was blackening at the edge and thunder shouldn't be here anyway. Then, he felt Jack's weight fall on him softly, providing the warmth that Mac's body desperately craved. But Jack was too limp, too unresponsive and even Mac's slowed down brain understood quickly that it wasn't normal.

And then the shadow appeared in the corner of his eye.

Mac wished he could do more than just hear his cold heart beating quickly but faintly in his chest. His hand squeezed weakly Jack's slack one. He was useless when the shadow pushed Jack off him with only his foot, as though he was nothing but trash. He was useless when he heard the gun go off a second time, maybe to make sure that Jack was really dead.

Mac could only cry silently, too weak to even sob.

“How did you know?” the man asked, his voice hoarse as if he was trying to hide it.

Mac didn't answer- he couldn't. Jack was dead. He was going to die. It was meaningless anyway.

The shadow stepped on his injury and his world exploded in pain. He trashed weakly on the ground, unable to scream, unable to cry, unable to do much worse than suffer.

“How did you know I was here?!” it asked again in anger.

Mac mustered all the strength he had left and mouthed “Fuck you”.

He wasn't surprised when he was faced with the muzzle of the gun. He welcomed it, in a way, like he did in try three. His heart was cold anyway. 

Thunder roared.

**_Try 13_ **

Mac woke up with a gasp, adorning a pale face and sweat-soaked hair. For one dizzying moment, he didn’t know up from down - everything was dark around him.

“Woah! Hoss, you're alright!”

Mac's heart was beating too fast in his chest. He died, Jack died, he should be used to it but he still wasn’t and probably never will. He breathed out shakily and tried to get a grip - he still needed to save Jack.

“Kid?”

His partner's tone rattled something in Mac's heart which immediately sent him into panic.

“Jack?” he asked quietly.

The ex-delta was crying. It didn't happen often, and never that openly, but Jack didn't even seem to know that he was doing it. He was wide-eyed and his skin seemed too pale under the moonlight while his tears fell silently along his cheeks. Mac's stare made him startle and brush his face - there was wetness under his fingertips.

“Uh” he mused, as if he was removed from himself. “That… You…”

“Jack?” Mac repeated like an idiot - he didn’t know what to do. It hadn't happened in any of the other tries.

“You died? I don't…” Jack laughed but his fists were white from clenching rhythmically and he only looked overwhelmed. “It can't- I didn't even sleep! But I saw you, you  _ died _ , and I-”

“Hey, hey Jack! I'm fine, see, everything is alright”

While he was saying that, Mac took his partner’s clammy hand in his and put it over his heart. He knew how ironic it was, but he couldn't regret it - not when he could see Jack relax in front of him by synchronizing his breathing to Mac's heartbeat. This was still  _ their _ thing and Mac won't let this mess also take it away from Jack.

“I don't understand” his partner whispered, looking so out of it that Mac's heart broke.

“I don't either” Mac whispered back.

His answer was heavy with a meaning that Jack couldn't quite grasp - and maybe that was also Mac's fault, because he couldn't even begin to explain what was happening. He was lost in a world that didn't make sense anymore, alone with the memory of their previous tragedies - but also hopeful, more than he has ever been since Jack choked on his own blood thirteen tries ago.

Jack remembered things. Maybe nothing tangible, maybe it wouldn't last past this night but there was  _ something _ . Mac wasn't crazy. This wasn’t a dream, this wasn't hell - Mac wasn't sure what it actually was, but it  _ was something _ . He was sure of it.

The rest of try thirteen isn't worth telling. Mac failed, Jack died, his heart was cold and he woke up.

But perhaps, Mac wasn't crazy. And so, perhaps, Jack could be saved, for real.

Mac only had to hold onto this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, hold on to this, because Mac's far from finding the exit...
> 
> Am I ashamed of how much I enjoy whumping those two? Nah, I know I'm not alone lmao Lucas Till played in a movie in which his character is stabbed and the gifset of this wonderfully whumpy scene gave me a whole lot of inspiration for this (even if, when I started writing this story, I had not seen it, which made for a strange feeling when I saw what I had in my head directly illustrated on tumblr)
> 
> I don't have much to say tbh... Idk why but I feel very drained these days, I never know how and what to write, and since finished this story, I haven't been able to write much of anything. I know everyone has bad moments like this but this is still very weird
> 
> Anyway, feel free to leave a comment!! Oh and are you excited for season 4? It's in like, two weeks or so if I rememeber correctly! Tbh I'm worried but I'm still glad to have more content coming up!
> 
> Thank you for reading, see ya next sunday!


	5. Jagged lines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mac wasn’t crying but his heart was breaking once again, a thousand pieces out of a thousand pieces, leaving him with too much fragments that he would never be able to put back together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... plot. My sworn enemy.
> 
> I just wanted to say once again that I am sorry for not answering your awesome comments, I feel so bad about it but time goes by so fast! I feel like last sunday was yesterday and I never found the time... But I will, promise! Know that, anyway, your comments make my days when I read them and cheer me up a lot!
> 
> I hope you will enjoy this chapter!

**_Try 17_ **

Mac woke up with a gasp, adorning a pale face and sweat-soaked hair. For one dizzying moment, he didn’t know up from down - everything was dark around him.

“Woah! Hoss, you're-”

“Alright, yes” Mac groaned as he sat up and massaged his temples.

Maybe it was only an impression, but with each try his headache grew. Was it a real side effect or just the tiredness of reliving the same night again and again getting to him? Anyway he was fed up. And in pain.

“You need something for that headache?” Jack asked with concern - he was already searching through the glove compartment for some ibuprofen.

Mac sighed and said nothing, his throat tight. On try fourteen, Jack was the exact same as he had been on all the other tries - no more lingering memory, not even the feeling that something wasn’t right. It was disheartening. The blond still tried to hold onto hope, he needed to do it, but he would still like a sign, something telling him that he didn’t hallucinate everything.

He felt lonely.

It wasn't a foreign sensation - Mac spent his childhood being the odd one out, never truly belonging. Too young for the adults, too weird for his peers, too incompetent to please his father, Mac could never be the one others wished to be. But, even then, he had Harry, then Bozer, and both loved him as he was without expecting anything else. And he grew up, proved himself to those who doubted him, and met Jack.

The feeling wasn’t foreign, but Mac had never once before felt lonely while Jack was here - he never thought he would. And behind the pain, and the sadness, and the tiredness, Mac felt one emotion, which took precedence over all the other things he felt:

_ Pure unaltered rage _ .

Mac was a pacifist at heart. It meant that, as angry and disgusted he could be at the people the Phoenix put behind bars, he would always believe that humanity had kindness at its core. It took time, it took patience, but Mac strove to keep this positive outlook.

Then Jack died. And came back. And died again. Sixteen times over and Mac was no closer to figuring it out.

“Fuck” he breathed out, fingers pressing hard on his eyelids.

“I feel ya bud” Jack laughed before patting his knee. “Here”

Mac muttered a thanks as he grabbed the pill and a bottle of water that his partner apparently found. God, his throat was tight. He took the pill and finished the water in one big gulp.

“So…” Jack started, poorly hiding his curiosity, “what was  _ that _ about?”

The bottle crinkled under Mac's hands. He had the strange feeling that his emotions were bigger than his body, yearning for his skin to break so they could be let out. His anger was comparable to a hot bubble of air filling up his chest and suffocating him and he knew that Jack could see the tension running through his body. He put the bottle down, mostly to gain some seconds before looking at Jack in the eyes.

His partner didn't need it, though, to recognise the fire burning under Mac's too composed demeanour. 

“Wow, you're pissed” Jack pointed out, trying to keep his tone neutral and friendly (because, as used as he was to deal with Mac, the kid had never openly showed that much anger in a long time.)

“Yeah. This situation is stupid.”

“I mean, not that I'm enjoying watching Aaron slumping on his couch watching golf but… That's not the worse things that happened to us, right?”

“Right” Mac answered tersely, playing with the hem of his shirt.

“Right” Jack mirrored, his unnaturally high voice giving away his nervousness. “Right, so, why are you… Like this?”

The blond didn't answer and didn't look up from his tightened fist. His nails biting into his skin was a weirdly comforting sensation - a reminder that this was real, that he was here to save Jack and that even if he failed already, he had another chance. It was a miracle, or a malediction, he wasn't sure anymore. He could imagine himself smashing his hand on the door, the bones in it shattering in a million pieces and making him feel alive and focused like only pain could.

Mac breathed slowly through his nose and unclenched his hands. It wasn't the first time these kinds of images made their way into his mind, but it really wasn’t the time to fall back into his darker coping mechanisms. Jack - kind, warm, loving and soon-to-be-dead Jack -  _ needed _ him to be a hundred percent.

2:12pm. And now Mac was also angry at the time, that apparently went quicker and quicker at each new try. He couldn't even have a break, he couldn't even breathe before everything caught up to him once again. For the first time since it all began, Mac couldn't even feel the cold hand around his heart - everything was burned away by an all-consuming wrath. He felt wrong, like his heart was beating outside of him, like his hands were detached from his body, like his soul was swimming in the shadows cast by the trees.

Voices were singing in his ears, terrifying and loud.

_ Jack couldn’t die. Jack couldn’t die. Jack couldn’t die. Jack couldn’t... _

Who kept doing this? It wasn’t the first time Mac asked himself this question, and Jack even helped him think about it in some tries. The obvious and logical theory was that Aaron had something to do with this. It couldn’t only be a coincidence that it happened now, as they were watching him. It had to mean something, because if it didn’t, Mac had no clue at all. And if Mac had no clue…

_ Jack couldn’t die. Jack couldn’t die. Jack couldn’t die. Jack couldn’t... _

“Hey, kid” Jack said softly, unknowingly interrupting Mac's spiralling thoughts. His warm hand fell onto the blond's knee, and Mac suppressed a flinch as well as he could (which was… Not very well). “Seriously, what's wrong?”

“You won't believe me” Mac sighed, trying to calm his nerves.

How could he even begin to explain this mess? If he didn’t live through it, he would never even believe the idea of a time loop - he wasn’t sure he was believing it right now!

“Mac” Jack punctuated this by taking his partner’s trembling hand in his, a affectionate gesture he probably wouldn't have dared to do if the blond didn't look like a lost and sad puppy. “There's a lot of shit I'm willing to believe for you. I trust you; you should trust me.”

Mac hoped his shaky exhale didn’t sound like a sob as much as he thought. He did trust Jack, more than anyone. He trusted him with his life, with his friends’ lives, so maybe he should trust him with the most precious thing he ever had to protect - Jack's own life.

“Someone is going to kill y- us. Tonight.” and god did Mac feel like a weight was taken off his shoulders when Jack nodded after a few seconds.

“Alright. I guess you don't know who's behind this? We never have so much luck” Jack joked, as if his partner didn't suddenly act like he could predict the future.

“It's uh” Mac stammered, trying to put his thoughts back into the boxes they belonged in. “It's probably related to Aaron because the guy who will… Kill us, he has abundant weaponry, and we know that Aaron isn't all about the drugs, right?”

“It's something to explore for sure” Jack hummed, focused in a way that showed he took Mac's warning very seriously - thanks to him, Mac could breathe again. “Should we call Matty?”

Should they? Mac thought of it but never actually got to it in the other tries. It was 2:20pm however, they were already so short on time, so Mac shook his head no and promised himself to do it later, if he didn’t save Jack.

(A voice in his head kept whispering  _ when _ ,  _ when _ he let Jack die,  _ when _ he failed, not  _ if _ , never  _ if _ . Mac squashed it as best as he could.)

“We should go to Aaron's house” the blond asserted, after a few seconds of reflection.

It probably wouldn't solve anything, but Mac already tried running - if they couldn't escape it, maybe they should face it. Anyway, Mac was angry, more than he ever felt in a long time, and if confronting Aaron didn’t help, at least he could scream at him. He had so much pent up energy, he could even imagine himself punching Aaron in the face.  _ That _ would be great.

Mac must have spaced out a little, because when he focused again, Jack was driving them to Aaron's house, his inane complaining about the isolation serving as the background music. Soon enough, they could see the house in front of them.

“So, sneaky entry or badass entry?” Jack asked joyfully. “Please, please,  _ please _ say badass, I want to kick a door down!”

Mac snorted, his body thrumming with anxiety. “If someone is watching, they probably saw us coming eons ago - of course badass entry.”

Jack’s yell of excitement nearly made him forget what was at stake. It was weird - he was both light and buzzing with anger, his body felt far away from him. Was his heart beating as a separate entity?

Jack kicked Aaron's door down.

Everything was dark and silent, but their lack of subtlety made Aaron run out of his room like a rabbit. Jack switched on the light with too much force, his smile full of teeth when he met Aaron's wide eyes. He didn’t seem threatening, half-naked with his hair all messed up from sleep, but he had a knife in his left hand - no innocent guy slept with a knife, right?

“Who the fuck are you?” he spatted, waving the knife higher in what he probably thought was a threatening manner. “Better yet, do you know who  _ I _ am?”

“Room service” Jack singsonged, levelling his gun at Aaron's chest “You're that supposed drug lord turned pitiful golf enthusiast, right? Do you even have someone answering to you or are you only a pawn to be sacrificed?”

"A decoy for someone more important" Mac muttered under his breath, looking around the room.

It was obvious now that Jack said it - this guy had nothing of the cold hearted business man he was supposed to be. However, using him as the face of the operation meant that the true leader needed to hide from view, most probably because he was already known for something else. Mac wasn’t sure about how it all related to Jack being killed, but it now seemed obvious that Aaron wasn't the one giving out orders.

Which meant that, whoever was the real drug lord, he knew about their operation, even though it was supposed to be secret, and somehow he feared that they were getting too close. So he hired a killer. And the only kind of person who would be able to gather this much information on them, when their identities and missions were protected by Phoenix, was probably…

"Your boss is an agent" Mac stated, meeting Aaron's scared eyes.

Jack nodded quietly, he had probably came to the same conclusion as Mac. It wasn't the first time they had to face a traitor, their own boss had been one, but it never was easier. They didn’t know if it was one of Pheonix own agent, if it was someone in an high position, if it was only one person… That was a lot of uncertainty. 

And Mac wasn't any closer to saving Jack. He could still feel the anger coursing inside his veins, making his body burn from his urge to just destroy something - only heightened by the knowledge that it was someone like them who was responsible, someone who had sworn to protect the people and decided that he preferred harming them. Mac closed his eyes for one second. It was all too much.

"Who's your boss?" Jack asked, gun still firmly pointed at Aaron's chest.

"I am the boss!" He yelled, waving the knife, but wasn't brave enough to take a step forward. 

"We all know that's not the case" Mac said, "and obviously, he's willing to sacrifice you for his own benefit. Why protect him?"

"Shut up! Shut up or I… I…"

"Will you stop yelling?" Jack whined, obviously tired by the conversation. "Answer the question, maybe tell us who's out to kill us, and we'll get you a nice comfy room in jail."

"Jail?!"

The way his face paled suddenly would have been funny if Mac couldn't still feel the cold in his heart. Each second was ticking under his skin - how long did they have again? There wasn’t any clock around there. His breaths were too short and the worried glances that Jack threw his way told him that he needed to pull himself together.

"Your boss won't hesitate to kill you if he thinks you're a weak link" the blond explained, with more calm than he thought himself capable. "However, as much as I want to shoot you right now, if you give us what we want, we will protect you. So, once again, who is your boss?"

The silence that followed gave Mac hope… Until Aaron yelled "your mother" before hurling insults at the two of them. Which Jack was all too happy to answer with more swears.

"Can't we just kidnap him?" Mac wondered out loud, tapping his foot quickly on the ground. "Get somewhere safe and let Matty torture him or something?"

"Tempting" Jack smiled - like he smiled in try fifteen Mac remembered with a jolt, and suddenly the nausea was back.

He turned to Aaron, without really knowing what he could do - threaten him? He certainly wanted to. He wanted to hurl a vase on the floor, or on Aaron's head, wanted to let his overwhelming emotions explode out of him. It all spilled from his normally organised mind, without logic, without order and he was terrified, both of the future and of himself.

Rightly so, because just as he opened his mouth, bullets were cutting through the walls of the house.

Mac and Jack got down at the same time, their instinct kicking in, but Aaron didn't have the opportunity - a bullet found his forehead scarily fast. Mac's heart was beating loudly in his chest. He watched Aaron's corpse fall over and all he could see was dozens of Jacks doing the same, with the same choked breath, the same wide eyes, the same…

The light exploded and left them in a smothering darkness. Before Mac could panic, Jack took his hand clumsily and crawled to him. His eyes shone thanks to the moonlight.

"So I guess this is the guy you were talking about?" Jack yelled to be heard over the weapon.

"Y-Yeah" Mac stuttered out, trying to look for any injury Jack may have gotten.

He found none but that didn't help calm his running heart. The bullets stopped as suddenly as they started. They were plunged in darkness and awfully vulnerable, especially now that they couldn't locate the killer thanks to the gunshots.

"We need to get out of here" Jack and Mac said at the same time, scrambling to their knees as one man.

Jack hesitated before fully getting up. He glanced through the window, cursed, and helped Mac straighten up while he had his gun in his other hand. Going outside would let them without any protection but the living room wasn’t that much better. For now, they both stayed out of the opening left by the window. Mac went to take Aaron's pulse, even if there wasn’t any hope - he hated the terror that was still gripping him and making him  _ useless _ .

He heard Jack calling Matty behind him, explaining succinctly why they needed back-up.  _ Useless _ , Aaron's half-opened eyes seemed to scream. Mac was cold and  _ useless _ again and Aaron's mouth was crooked in a smirk that laughed at Mac when a new shot burst the silence that suffocated the room.

The partners' eyes met, both wide, Jack's with shock and Mac's with fear. Jack let his phone and his gun fall to the ground - Mac could faintly hear Matty calling their name.

_ It didn't make sense. _ Jack touched his chest, where blood was blossoming quickly.  _ It didn't make sense. _ He had been shot in the back, through the door, while he watched over Mac, and it was his fault once again.  _ It didn't make sense. _ Jack's mouth opened, maybe to say something, but he didn't have enough air and just crumbled to the ground.

It would  _ never _ make sense.

Mac shot to his feet to stop Jack from falling. He passed his arms around his partner waist, calling his name frantically as they both slid to the ground. Mac wasn't crying - it struck him, because it was the first time. As gently as he could, he helped Jack lay on the ground and wiped off the blood at the corner of his mouth, as if they weren't both covered in it, as if his pants weren't soaking into the pool of Jack's blood on the floor.

Mac pressed hard on the wound and Jack let out a blood curdling scream as he arched in pain. It had become too familiar in the last hours.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" Mac kept whispering, knowing that it wasn’t enough, that he couldn't possibly make up for all his failures.

Beside Jack, Aaron's corpse still seemed to be laughing at him - with the darkness, Mac could only see his damned smile, mocking them, mocking him. Mac wasn’t crying but his heart was breaking once again, a thousand pieces out of a thousand pieces, leaving him with too much fragments that he would never be able to put back together.

He heard someone behind him but he didn’t even have it in him to tense anymore. He tried to have a comforting smile for Jack, even if he was mostly out-of-it; he was quickly losing too much blood. He wasn't surprised when he finally turned his head to be faced with the indistinguishable shadow of the killer at the door, armed with what looked like a rifle.

He wasn't surprised, but he was certainly angry.

All of his storming emotions suddenly flooded him with a ferocity that took his breath away. Jack's blood under his palms burnt him to his core, travelling up his arm and blurring his head with the unnatural heat of wrath. His partner's hand grasped weakly at his knee, but Mac couldn't stop looking at the shadow. His ears were ringing - everything would change. Mac was sure of it. The air was choking him and he knew that he needed to do something else.

His body was vibrating, from fear or from anger he wasn’t sure. His hand discreetly made its way to Jack's discarded gun but Mac was numb to it. He didn't feel the handle beneath his fingers.

"Why do you keep doing this?" Mac's voice was empty of any emotions.

"Keep?" the man echoed, confused, before hitching his rifle higher. "Listen kid, no hard feelings, but I can't let the two of you get any closer to my business."

"Ah, you're the boss" the blond mused as he got Jack's gun in a tight grip behind his back. "For what branch of the government do you work for again?"

It was the wrong thing to ask since the rifle was immediately pointed at his head, but Mac had prepared himself - he shot first. He hadn't used a gun since his time training for the army, his brain reminded him quietly. He remembered the training but his shoulder still hurt from the throwback. Jack said his name quietly but Mac couldn't look - he had shot the shadow's side, making him drop his weapon, but he was still standing.

"If you try to pick it up, the next bullet is for your forehead" Mac grinded out, not recognizing his own voice.

"Alright, don't shoot" the shadow immediately said, and Mac was reminded of how much he didn't sound like any kind of professional. This was a high-ranked bureaucrat, not someone used to field work.

The gun was steady in his blood covered hand even though it has been years since he held one. The anger inside him was still trashing like a caged animal, begging to be let out. Maybe, if he killed this guy and saved Jack, the loop would be over. Maybe all he needed to do was pull the trigger, exchange this monster's life to save Jack's.

Mac's breathing was shaky as he tried to push these thoughts out of his mind. "Who are you?" he asked, his other hand still pushing on Jack's wound.

He didn't answer. Mac thought he could see his cold blue eyes more clearly now, but perhaps it was only his imagination. Jack whimpered again, and Mac wondered if his own eyes were showing anything else than the absolute desire to kill this man.

Mac remembered a young Bozer telling him, between choked up sobs, about his brother's accident - about the destructiveness of a gun, about the impossibility to go back and erase mistakes, about death and its consequences. Mac remembered Harry, his gruff but caring grandfather, explaining why he would never have a weapon in his home, how there was always another way and how he wanted his grandson to be the kind of man to chose this other way. Mac remembered Peña, and then Jack, always defending his methods, his capacities, the fact that he was a better agent than most even without a gun.

For one second, his hand lowered a fraction, and he felt more like himself.

Maybe the killer sensed his hesitation, maybe he just had bad timing, but he pulled out an handgun in one smooth gesture and… And Mac remembered Jack's blood on the car, on the floor, on his hands, on his skin - everywhere he looked. Mac remembered crying, trying to save his partner, again and again, for the last sixteen tries and for this one too, without success. Mac remembered the anger.

He shot the shadow in the head.

He let the gun clatter to the ground and thought that his chest was going to explode. The killer fell heavily, already dead, and Mac wanted to choke on his own blood too if it could make it all disappear.

Jack whispered his name and he immediately looked back to the pained eyes of his partner. He quietly put both hands on the wound - ignoring Aaron's laughing corpse, ignoring the fact that his shoulders seemed to float away from him, ignoring his erratic breathing and the blood on his lips.

"Wha'... Kid…?" Jack coughed, his eyes unreadable.

"It's okay" Mac answered, even though it wasn’t, "the back-up is gonna be here any minutes now"

"The… The gun… M'c?" He looked confused, as if he wasn't sure he hadn't dreamt what just happened. Mac shushed him, heart in his throat.

He needed to save Jack, so it could all make sense again. If Jack survived, then Mac was right to shoot their enemy, he was right, he needed to be. Would there be a loop if the killer was dead? Mac pressed harder on the wound, the tears finally making their way on his cheeks.

_ What did I do? _ This sentence was the only thing on his mind and made him shiver from head to toe. Did he condemn Jack? Did he become a killer? He wanted to threw up.

In Jack's blood, his phone was still in a call with Matty, Mac suddenly noticed. He took it with trembling hands and put it next to his ears - he could faintly hear their boss give orders to the back-up team, probably.

"Matty?" Mac said, his throat burning.

Immediately, everything was silent on the other side for two seconds, before Matty answered, relieved. "Mac! Don't worry, we're coming to help you!"

"J-Jack is… He's…"

"I heard, don't worry" Matty said as gently as she could, and Mac realised she probably knew what he'd done. "Keep pressure on the wound, help is ten minutes away"

Ten minutes were too long. It was already a miracle that Jack was still alive and sort of conscious but Mac could see his eyes glaze over. He had seen him die enough to know how quick it would be.

"I'm sorry" he whispered, maybe for Matty, maybe for Aaron, maybe for the shadow.

Mostly for Jack.

The older man smiled and for a moment, everything seemed okay. Jack always had that power over Mac, this ability to calm him down no matter what was happening. He helped him focus, he helped him breath, he helped him save the world on a daily basis. Jack was Mac's whole world.

He wasn't breathing anymore.

Mac didn’t remember putting down the phone. He didn’t remember when he stopped putting pressure on the wound. He was crying, maybe. He was supposed to be the only one alive in a room with three corpses, but he didn't know if he was breathing - he was so cold.

He bent down, carefully took Jack's waist and hugged him. He was still warm, he still felt more alive than Mac was feeling - cold hands were choking the life out of him. He could feel his heart breaking.

Mac woke up feeling as if his heart didn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... Listen. I'm sorry. Not really but kinda? I just thought that if Mac was ever going to shoot someone, it would be for Jack ^^'
> 
> I really liked this chapter in my head, not so much when I wrote it so I'm not too sure if I like the final thing. I just wanted Mac to be angry because we don't see much of it (but I wrote this before the season finale with Charlie so...)
> 
> I really want to write but I have no idea as to what lmao I feel like this fic is already so repetitive with its whump that I have to write something different but I feel like this is the only thing that I like and know how to write (and plot is the devil incarnate. how are people even able to think these things out?? what do you give your brains for them to work??).
> 
> Ah anyway, I hope you enjoyed it!! Only three chapters to go and the next one is more on the emotional side, prepare your tissues :') (yes, Mac will finally have a DISCUSSION about his feelings, thing that he should do more often if you ask me)


	6. Before something breaks that cannot be fixed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mac had learnt from a young age that he rarely got what he wanted - that even if it hurt, he needed to focus on what was needed instead of his own desires.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tbh I nearly gave up this story because of this chapter so even if there's room for improvment, I'm glad I managed to write it! Lot of emotions up ahead, be prepared lmao I hope you'll enjoy

Mac didn’t wake up with a jolt anymore. He didn't wake up not knowing what was happening around him - he knew exactly where he was and what he had done, as if it was engraved in his skin. He blinked his eyes open quietly and studied the dots of dirt on the roof to collect himself - it was his own constellation. He learnt that if he didn't startle awake, Jack would be humming a song under his breath. Mac couldn't recognise it, but it helped him focus, helped him forget the blood staining his skin and choking him.

Once he was sure to be calm, he straightened up and Jack smiled warmly at him.

"Already up?" he would ask and Mac could only nod as he took in all the little details that made Jack himself - the wrinkles around his eyes when he smiled, the way he would still tap his fingers on the wheel in rhythm with the song that was stuck in his head, or even the little frown he would always wear when he wasn't sure if Mac was upset or only tired.

Then Mac would see Jack's gun on his hip and still feel its weight in his palm and the pain in his shoulder after he killed a man. Aaron's smirk would play on Jack's lips and there was blood under his nails and shadows were dancing among the trees and - and...

Jack would put his hand on Mac's knee while gently calling his name and whispering reassurances as long as he needed it. Every time, Mac would try to explain to him what has happened, would try to trust him once again but he was terrified. He couldn't tell Jack what he had done, how he had failed to the point where he thought that killing a man, thus renouncing all his values, was the solution. He couldn't talk about the anger that drowned him and made him another man, who wasn’t worthy of his partner.

So Mac would shut his mouth and smile and live through another failed loop. He tried to save Jack, but for the first time in his life, Mac had no idea - he couldn't improvise anything and he was just exhausted. He kept waking up when he only wanted to sleep.

"Try twenty-seven" Mac whispered under his breath as he blinked his eyes open.

His body was aching, not only because of his bad sleeping position but mostly as if it kept the weight of the previous tries. Jack made an interrogating noise from the back of his throat before turning warm eyes toward Mac. ( _ Once again _ , a voice wouldn’t let Mac forget.)

"Already up? You still have time before it's your turn to watch Aaron, I suggest you make the most of it." He smiled, and it was such a brilliant smile, the kind that always lit up Mac's days, that the blond couldn't stop himself from smiling in response.

"That bad?" Mac asked even though he already knew Jack's answer.

"You bet" he snorted. "I thought that him on his couch watching golf was boring, but his snores - man, no human can have these snores! These weird squeaky sounds he makes are torturing me!"

Mac let Jack's voice lull him as he straightened up. For a moment, it was as if time had miraculously stopped, as if they were around the fire pit, after an exhausting mission. Sometimes, Mac would just listen to his friends' voices because he was too tired to be social anymore. They never forced him to be an active part of the conversation when he didn't wish to, so Jack would just take him by the shoulders and let him rest his head on him as they laughed together. The comforting smell of the fire mixed with Jack's presence and, honestly, Mac thought that it was the most cosy place on earth to fall asleep (even though he would deny ever falling asleep like a toddler if asked.)

"Jack?"

Neither him nor Jack were expecting this interruption but he couldn't bear these memories anymore. It was too warm, too happy and... And he killed a man, he didn’t deserve all of them, all of his family. He had a second (more like twenty-seventh) chance, but that didn't excuse him, excuse what he had done because… He hadn't be sure he would get another do-over. He had accepted that and he had  _ killed _ a man anyway, with the very weapon he had sworn to never use. Killing with a gun felt so easy - as if life didn't have any meaning anymore. Meeting Jack's expectant eyes, he breathed in slowly.

"I… I keep seeing you die." Mac knew how vague he was being, but Jack was more perceptive than most gave him credit - he would understand enough.

Certainly, understanding dawned on his face. His eyes softened, and within the pupil of his eyes was a clever mix of sadness and love. From anyone else, Mac would have bristled, thinking it was pity, but he  _ knew _ Jack and Jack knew him.

"I'm still here" his partner simply said, as if it was an evidence - and it was, it always has been between them.

"I don't know what I'd do if you weren't anymore."

"We always find a way to save ourselves, together" Jack assured quietly, yet incredibly loud in their tiny car. "And if we don't…"

"You go kaboom, I go kaboom?" Mac answered, his voice strained at the familiarity of this answer. But what was once a comfort today felt like a sentence. Mac was sinking, and he was taking Jack with him, because his stubborn partner had too good of a heart to let him go.

The silence thickened around them. Jack was smart, and he knew Mac better than he knew himself. He could see that something was wrong, and it probably put him on edge, Mac realised, since before his nap he had been perfectly fine.

"Is this about Vegas?"

It wasn’t surprising per se that Jack's mind would go there, but after all that had happened, Mac's nightmares about Vegas seemed laughable. Both Jack and him have had an hard time getting past their kidnapping and they couldn't stop themselves from imagining worst-case scenarios. Mac's dreams had been filled with the idea that he had in fact killed Jack, or that they had been the one to be captured and tortured all this time ago. Jack slept at Mac's house more often than not the following week, so they could both sleep a tad more peacefully.

"Mac…" Jack sighed, taking his silence for an answer. "This mission… It fucked us up, I know. And that you had to pretend I was dead - that was awful hoss, I get it, truly I do." His accent thickened as he grew upset. "I know sometimes it feels like too little to say that we'll do everything together - I wish that to be true, but I know that if I  _ died _ -"

"Jack" Mac choked out.

"... If I died, kid, the last thing I'd wish for is for you to die too. I  _ know _ " he insisted when Mac tried to cut him off, "I know that I'm the worse hypocrite to ever live on this Earth, but you - you can do so much, Mac, you're worth so much and I…"

"But you're worth everything to me." Mac could feel his vision go blurry. "I don't like it when you talk as if I'm the most important part of this partnership, as if I'm somehow - worth more than you."

Jack said nothing and Mac realised his partner truly didn't understand how destroyed Mac would be if he died - and he didn’t have to imagine it anymore. The way the world lost its colours as soon as Jack breathed for the last time was engraved in his bones forever.

"You're worth the world to me Jack" Mac breathed out, trying to make him understand. "You think that you're tainted by your past, that you're a lesser man but - I love you.  _ I love you so much, Jack _ . And you're smart enough to know that you can't expect me to just  _ go on _ without you in my life."

Mac felt out of breath as he looked at Jack's misty eyes. He wondered if he could have had this conversation if he didn’t see Jack die twenty-six times - wondered how crazy he must be if the only way for him to open up to the most important person in his life was to be thoroughly traumatised by a time loop of his partner dying.

"Sometimes… Sometimes I wish we could have met like normal people, with normal lives and normal jobs."

"We don't do normal, Mac" Jack answered, trying for light and missing by a mile. "I can't imagine you not saving the world."

"I'm not perfect Jack." Mac's voice wobbled as the images of Jack dying and him killing a man burnt behind his eyes. "I'm… Maybe I'm an asshole but I don't want to save the world if you're not in it. I want to be selfish, I want us to be happy and safe forever, I want - I  _ want _ -"

Mac cut himself off and put his palm over his damp eyes. He had learnt from a young age that he rarely got what he  _ wanted _ \- that even if it hurt, he needed to focus on what was needed instead of his own desires.

"It's not wrong to want this, hoss" Jack said softly. "But you love this job, we both do. All we do, it  _ means _ something."

"It's not worth it without you" Mac whispered, pressing harder on his eyes to the point it hurt. "If you die, all of this… It wouldn't mean anything anymore. I can't live without you. A long time ago I thought - I thought I could, eventually, but seeing you  _ die _ kills me Jack, it destroys me and I know that if I was to survive you, I wouldn't last long. You give my life a meaning."

Was it normal to be out of breath? Mac never felt so vulnerable. Confiding in someone wasn't something he did easily but he knew that the time loops had left him raw, like a walking open wound. And when he looked at Jack, swallowing his spilling emotions, he could see in his partner's eyes that he didn't understand why Mac was freaking out so badly and so suddenly. 

Mac had been stuck for hours in the same thirty minutes. He had been fraying at the edges since the beginning and this was the grand finale. But from Jack's point of view, his partner had woken from a nap twenty minutes ago and immediately had a meltdown. He was obviously worried, and probably feeling guilty too for not noticing Mac's state of mind sooner but he didn’t get it.

"Mac" Jack finally said, after looking carefully for his words. "I love you too, more than anything in this world - I hope you know that. And because I love you so damn much, I want you… I want you to be able to live without me." Jack looked ready to hug Mac to death but they were still separated by the seats, to his great annoyance. "We've  _ seen _ people who were more dead than alive after the death of one of their loved ones - they hurt themselves and they hurt the rest of their family, and I'm sure that whoever died wouldn’t want that!  _ I _ wouldn’t want that Mac."

Jack's hand was warm around Mac's. They were both near tears and this time, Mac's heart might have burst from affection. After a sigh, Jack continued.

"Grieving takes time, Mac. It's neither a magical nor a steady process and I know that if you ever need to, you'll be strong enough to do it. I  _ believe _ in you - never forget that."

"... Thanks" Mac croaked out.

His head was buzzing - he felt like he was finally in sync with himself. Jack believed in him. He had to uphold this trust, and he could do it, because  _ Jack believed in him _ like no one else had before. He had done things he needed to make up for - but he couldn't do that if he didn't save Jack first, if he didn’t break this loop by catching Aaron and their killer.

Their killer.  _ We've seen people who were more dead than alive after the death of one of their loved ones _ , Jack said, and it was vivid in each of their mind since their debriefing on Aaron - on his  _ crimes _ .

"Jack" Mac breathed out, "you're a genius!"

"Uh?" Jack answered intelligently, discombobulated by the sudden change of tone.

"You - the thing about people who are destroyed by their grief it was - Cole Morgan!"

Mac scrambled to get his phone, knowing that Riley had send him their mission's informations. The reason why Aaron's was a high priority target was because he was responsible for numerous murders, including the family of CIA agent Cole Morgan, who had been leading the investigation.

"What about him?" Jack said gruffly. "Yeah, the poor guy's a perfect example of what I was saying, he lost his job because he couldn't get over his family's death. Not that I blame him, but-"

"How does he keep living in their old house without a paycheck?" Mac wondered aloud, as he checked Morgan's records. "And why would Aaron kill his family and not him?"

"Punishment?"

"No, the other murders had all been about erasing information. Collateral damage yes, but Morgan wasn't even threatened. We know that Aaron's just a decoy..."

"We do?!" Jack's eyebrows couldn't go any higher.

"... and that the man behind the operation is an agent. If Morgan isn't the boss, the inconsistencies show that he is at least involved, we should-"

"Wow wow wow! Slow down hoss, what the hell are you talking about?" Jack yelled in frustration, even if there was no heat behind it.

"I may know who is trying to kill us" Mac stated breathlessly, feeling hopeful for the first time since a very long time.

"Someone is trying to kill us?!" Jack shrieked.

Their banter was familiar and comforting, Mac couldn't stop the weak smile forming on his lips. It was already 2:33am - this try was doomed and Mac knew it. But now, he had clues, he was one step nearer to the truth. He couldn't waste anymore time wallowing.

Jack needed him. Jack believed in him.

"I'm sorry, Jack" Mac whispered, taking his friend's hand in his. "I'm gonna get us out of this mess, I promise."

Jack seemed to sense that there was an heavier meaning in his partner's words. Mac's heart was cold but Jack took him in a awkward and frankly uncomfortable hug, so it didn't matter anymore.

"I trust you."

When the shooting erupted, they were both critically wounded in no more than ten seconds. It was a mercy, to die in each other's arms.

**_Try 28_ **

Mac woke up with a gasp, and immediately straightened up, which startled Jack enough to make him jump on his seat.

" _ Jesus _ Mac! I nearly had a heart attack!" he hissed, an hand on his chest to add to the dramatics.

"Sorry, sorry" the blond whispered, fumbling with his phone. 

Curiosity stronger than his annoyance, Jack decided to ask. "What are you doing?"

"Calling Matty."

"It's… Two in the morning" his partner enunciated carefully.

"Believe me, I know that" Mac groaned.

"And you still want to wake her up? It'll be your funeral, hoss" Jack snorted finally, before Mac shushed him and put Matty on speaker, trying not to think about the last time he had her on the phone.

Neither men were foolish enough to comment on the groan that served as a greeting. Matty didn't like to be woken up, especially when they were supposed to be on an easy surveillance mission. The team was sleeping at Phoenix, just in case they needed back-up, but still. A call meant something had gone awry - which also meant a lot of bureaucratic trouble for Matty, and she hated it.

" _ Please _ blondie, tell me nothing is on fire because of you" she grumbled, even if he could hear her walk into the war room.

"Strangely enough, nothing is!" Jack answered cheerfully before Mac could. "Actually, I don't even know why genius here wanted to call you, so I'm curious myself."

"Oh." Matty was nonplussed. "Well, no fire is a good starting point. Mac?"

"I need informations on Cole Morgan, the agent whose family-"

"Was murdered by Aaron? Riley will be here soon, you'll get it, but you can't not explain what this is all about" she insisted - but despite the instructions, she still sounded gentle.

Mac struggled to find his words, to try to explain this mess without getting too lost on the details (like the time loop, for example)."I - uh, this may sound crazy but I don't think Aaron is more than a puppet in all of this. I mean, honestly, I don't see this guy as a bloodthirsty drug lord at all."

"Well, on that, I agree!" Jack laughed, "I'm not sure this guy could even beat Bozer in a fight."

"Hey!"

The immediate yell of protestation from an obviously sleep-deprived Bozer put a smile on Mac's lips. Jack playfully apologised while his best friend sputtered through a retelling of his "marvellous" progress in close combat. Riley also greeted them with a yawn, and immediately started typing, in search of informations on Morgan.

"I think", Mac continued, "that this subterfuge worked because the real drug dealer is a government agent, in an high enough position to always be one step ahead. Probably not someone doing the field work, but a leader from behind the scene, able to plan such an operation without being found out. Morgan was that, until recently, and they're some things that don't add up about him."

"Oh, I see what you mean" Riley exclaimed. "He left the CIA three years ago but his bank account stayed stable, as if he wasn't using the money on it. But-"

"His lifestyle hasn't changed at all" Mac finished - she confirmed his doubts. "And, as awful as it was, his family's murder isn't following Aaron's supposed M.O - Morgan wasn’t even threatened, was he?"

After a tense silence, Matty acquiesced. "Yeah, that's definitely suspicious - and should have been noticed sooner. I don't like the lack of informations we're working on right now."

"Me neither to be honest", Jack added, "so, Matty, if you were going to suggest that we go sleep at nice hotel for the night…"

"I wasn't."

"... we'll be happy to!"

Mac stayed silent as his team chatted about what to do next - he was mulling over the informations he had learned and the ones he already knew from his interactions with the killer. The eye-color was a match, the backstory was fragile, his training as an agent explained the agility with multiple weapons but the years behind a desk explained the uncertainty in his voice. That and the fact that he knew they were here because they went to talk to him. It all checked out.

What now?

This confirmation took half the time of this try so Mac needed to decide quickly if they tried to flee or stayed. If they stayed, they would die without seeing their killer, but Mac knew how to make this death quick and mostly painless. (He tried not to think about the trials and errors that led him to this solution.) If they ran, they risked having another accident and dying slowly and painfully - but their chances of confrontation were higher, so he could probably gather more information on Morgan. See what he missed when he first met him, how he could have seen a grieving father when he probably was the one behind his family murder. Understand his first failure in this disastrous mission. But then, Jack's lifeless eyes burned within his memory, and Mac remembered the cost of a confrontation.

His hands were shaking slightly, he noticed. He swallowed harshly the dryness of his throat and the fear in his mind. Even if he tried to rationalise the situation and approach each tries as a new step towards saving Jack, he couldn't escape the terror of knowing that they will die again - Jack will die again, and Mac will see it again. And nothing assures him that this will not be the last time. He's a scientist after all, he knows intimately that repetition does not make a rule and that each times, he takes the risk of changing variables he does not control.

What if shooting their killer had ended the loop, even though Jack was mortally wounded? What if Mac died first? What would happen if Jack died too early, or by the hand of Aaron? What if he got too comfortable with the idea of a second try that he let Jack be permanently wounded and ended his career as an agent?

What if they both survived and the time reset anyway? What then?

"What's going on in that head of yours? You're looking like you're having an aneurysm" Jack interrupted him with his usual grace.

Mac swallowed harshly against his sudden rise of emotions. He was avoiding Jack's eyes which he knew his partner wouldn’t let go unnoticed much longer (but they were always too damn trusting, even when hazy with pain and blood loss).

"Say Matty, if someone was here to kill us, what would be our options?" He finally asked, cringing when everyone started yelling in shock.

Thankfully, their boss was always focused on the mission - and she trusted Mac too. His whole team did, which was why they quieted down when she asked. Mac wanted to reassure them, but his voice was stuck in the back of his throat.

"Exfil is at the very least one hour away Mac" Matty finally said. "And you'll probably need to drive toward it, your area has too much trees for a safe landing. I could have a team in your position in fifteen minutes, but they're on a mission - I can't order this without an urgent cause."

This didn't surprise Mac - he already thought about it and deduced that the only way they could escape was by driving towards the exfil point. Yeah, they had back-up on try seventeen, but Jack had been dying. Even if Mac knew it would happen again, he understood that Matty couldn't take his word for it and extract a team from its mission. Still, hearing his boss announcing it aloud, voicing the fact that they were truly trapped if one of them wasn't near death - and knowing that since the time reset every thirty minutes or so, no team could get to them before it was too late - all of this made Mac want to cry. But he cried enough already. He needed to make himself useful - to save Jack, and himself too, if that was possible.

"Alright" he breathed out, "I need you all to trust me on what I'm about to say…"

_ Always _ . Jack was the first to say it, but the others were quick to echo his sentiment. Always - it felt like a hug, like an anchor finally giving stability to this world that Mac couldn't comprehend.

His hands were steady when he looked at Jack.

Mac made Matty, Bozer and Riley hang up, even though they were understandably worried after his declarations. He promised them that Jack and him could and needed to handle it alone - he hoped he wasn't lying. But if he knew he could convince Jack that he hasn't gone completely crazy, he wasn't so sure about the others, especially over the phone. He didn't have enough time.

Once that was done, he stuttered through an explanation of the deaths and the loops, stuttered as he begged his best friend to at least humour him - but he didn't have to.

Mac's voice was broken as he whispered "You believe me?"

"I strongly believe that you think you're telling the truth. No, no, no" Jack exclaimed when Mac's face fell, "don't do the sad puppy look! Listen, it's all weird, right? So maybe I'm not sure it's all real, but it's real to  _ you _ and that's more than enough for me." He waited until Mac nodded before he went on. "For all it matters, I think we should go confront the guy. I mean, I'm gonna die anyway, right?"

"It'll hurt." Mac's voice was quiet and his head was bowed, as if he was trying to make himself smaller.

Jack couldn't understand, really, what was at stake here. He thought he would risk his life when Mac  _ knew _ that he'll lose it. Mac knew it, Mac saw it, Mac felt it - he made Jack's death an integral part of his being. But what Jack understood, even if Mac himself didn't, was that his kid was terrified beyond words. He had never seen him like that, and Jack wanted to fix it so he never had to see it again.

_ 'It'll hurt' _ , Mac said, and within the pain and the fear quieting his voice, Jack could hear  _ 'I don't want you to get hurt' _ . And perhaps the true meaning was more along the lines of  _ 'seeing you die will destroy another piece of my heart and I don't think I'll ever be whole again' _ , but Jack got the idea all the same - because when it came to one Angus Macgyver,  _ he _ was the smartest man in the room.

Jack took his kid's shaky hands in his calloused ones, perfectly aware of what Mac had accomplished in the past with only his brain and these fingers - of how many times his life, the lives of millions had depended on them. The trees outside casted shadows on Mac's face, but when he thought he was drowning in them, Jack  _ saw _ that it made his eyes so much more bright - like tiny stars lighting up the night sky.

It'll hurt, Mac said, and Jack didn't doubt that it would, but with their hands entwined, there was only one answer he could give.

"I don't fear anything with you at my side, partner."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters to go... The end is near folks! And this time, Jack's aware of what's happening!
> 
> Your comments have all been so nice and good, I know that I'm apologising every week for not answering but I'll do it once more here. I read them all and they make me feel so much better about parts of this story that I didn't like, so thank you all so much!!
> 
> And thanks for reading! See you next sunday!


	7. I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mac mused that it all came down to this, the cold, which had been his companion this whole night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, I nearly completely forgot to post this chapter!! Since it's one am here, I hesitated but I wasn't sleeping anyway so here it is!  
> Also ao3 wasn't very cooperative but thankfully I finally can post!  
> Things are coming to an end... I hope you enjoy!

It wasn't the first time Jack drove them toward their deaths. At least, it wasn't for Mac. He knew they would crash, he knew they would flee, he knew Jack would die because of him. But it couldn't happen again - Jack trusted him. Even though he wasn’t making much sense, his best friend put his life in his hands without a second thought, because Jack Dalton was the best person Mac ever met.

But this time was different. This time, they knew who they were facing - and it wasn't a shadow, it was failed middle aged man, who had nothing of Murdoc's charisma or even The Ghost's cold professionalism. Cole Morgan was neither heartless or an expert, he was forgettable, not even the worst and most trained enemy they ever had and he  _ killed _ Jack. If Mac failed again,  _ that _ was the man who killed Jack, and he didn’t even have one quarter of Jack’s skills for it to make some sort of sense.

Jack was tense in the driver seat, not really knowing what to expect. For his part, Mac felt numb. He was watching the trees pass by his window, tall and threatening shadows, ready to swallow them whole - but they were less scary than the digital clock on his left. Time was ticking, again and again, and Mac knew they lost too much discussing. Each second made itself known under his skin, a reminder of each failed try and a premonition of the one to come.

_ One _ was for blood and panic and uselessness.  _ Two _ , for hope and hurt and death once again.  _ Three _ was for the cold and their run and Jack's inescapable fate. Each number, so alike and so different at the same time.  _ Four _ ,  _ five _ ,  _ six _ ,  _ seven _ were blood and death and try to run.  _ Eight _ ,  _ nine _ ,  _ ten _ ,  _ eleven _ ,  _ twelve _ , blood and sweat and tears again. Time ticking, going faster as Mac slowed down, and suddenly they were at  _ seventeen _ , burnt by hatred and guilt and fear. It was a relentless cycle of pain, written like a masterful composition in which each key was a way to destroy Mac little by little. And Jack's life was the heart of the tragedy, slipping between Mac's finger like blood, just thick enough to give the hope of catching it.

What could the twenty-eighth bring? What could it mean when only five minutes were remaining? What could Mac do when, even with all this new informations and Jack's trust, he felt like he was free-falling into nothingness?

Jack put his hand on Mac's knee, and the blond felt like he was jolted back to life. Just in time to see a grenade land in front of their car, and Jack swerve right into a tree to avoid the explosion.

The choc sent them both forward and Mac felt, almost distantly, as pain exploded in his chest. For three seconds, his entire vision went black, but the panic for Jack gave him the energy to get out of his seat and yell louder than the ringing in his ears for Jack to do the same. He stumbled to his knees and lost his breath again as his ribs were screaming.

_ Slow down _ , he told himself.  _ Think _ ,  _ don't panic _ . He knew that this situation was likely to happen again and, even if the pain was a difficult thing to prepare for, Mac needed to be focused. He already did this on the third try, even if there were some differences.

Mac took a shallow breath and got up again, ignoring the blood in his mouth - he bit his tongue during the crash. Jack was still disoriented, leaning heavily on the car, his eyes distant. There was blood running down his arm and when Mac tugged at him to make him move, he left a bloody handprint on the hood.

The blond tried not to think about the way his stomach twisted at this sight.  _ Keep him alive first _ , his brain screamed, but his heart wanted him happy and unhurt too. He learned he couldn't have it all during this evening.

The shots startled Jack enough to get him to run faster, half dragging Mac behind him.

"You weren't kidding!" he screamed, as Mac nearly slipped on the wet ground.

The kept going, trying to outrun death without seeing anything, the light of the moon hidden behind the trees. They ran, and ran until the air they breathed burnt their lungs, until their muscles ached so much it would have felt better to rip them off entirely. And suddenly, they were left in the open of a clearing, each blade of grass shining silver thanks to the moon and the last rain - it all felt like a dream.

Well, more like a nightmare for Mac. He made Jack stop and his partner, ever so trusting, stopped, even if it went against every of his instincts to flee the sound of gunshot. Mac knew that, even when it felt like a real possibility, they never managed to escape this place - they needed to face Cole head on. And maybe a clearing wasn't the best idea, but previous experience showed that Cole wouldn't stay hidden very long. He liked to confront them, especially when they were wounded and he knew they couldn't do anything against him- he loved feeling powerful.

However, he didn’t know that Mac had already lived through this kind of scenario multiple times, with different angles. Mac knew that he would try to blend in the shadows for as long as possible, trying to get behind Jack as much as he could because his training told him to neutralise the most armed and competent agent first. Mac could use this to his advantage - both his observations and the fact that Cole's training was mostly theoretical.

"Holy shit" Jack panted, gun still steady in one of his bloodied hand, "now what?"

Mac took his other arm, trying to pass the gesture as way to seek comfort. He hoped that Jack wasn’t so cold as to not feel the two finger taping in his palm. The ex-delta glanced at him quickly with knowing eyes, but said nothing.

"Maybe we lost him?" Mac breathed out, as if he didn’t any breaths left.  _ Start looking to our left and he will come from the west, probably between the two little trees _ . "If we go back, we could probably get back to the car…"  _ He will be the less protected here _ .

"The car's wrecked anyway" Jack laughed, turning on himself to watch his left, tense as he tried to see in the darkness. "But yeah, we probably lost him."

"Then maybe we should keep going" Mac muttered, not convinced.  _ I will take five steps back _ . "But we can probably rest a little before…"  _ If I yell duck, don't think. Duck. _

Mac let Jack's hand go, but before he could start putting distance between them, his partner gripped his arm, gun lowering a fraction, as if he was slowly relaxing.

"Yeah, we deserve a break" he smiled.  _ Don't do anything stupid _ .  _ We're in this together _ .

Mac wasn't going to cry again, so he moved back, looking aimlessly at the trees, and stretched. From the corner of his eyes, he saw something move where he predicted Cole would try to attack. He had to use all of his energy not to tense - Jack had his back to this part of the forest because he trusted Mac's pieces of advice, the blond couldn't mess it up.

He stopped breathing as another leaf moved - sloppy work for a trained agent, but Cole wasn't the best of the best. Jack wasn't moving or even looking at Mac, but the way his finger were tightening around the handle of his gun left no room for doubt - he knew that whatever would be happening was happening now. Mac felt cold, nervosity thrumming through his veins, but he was - they were - prepared.

Another movement.

A shadow emerged from the shadows, blue eyes fixed on Jack's back.

"Jack" Mac breathed out, and that was all that was needed for his partner to suddenly snap to attention, turn around and fire, making Cole cry out and lose his grip on his gun as his shoulder was punctured.

All of this in less than two seconds. Jack Dalton was not to be messed with, Mac knew, but he was still awed at the precision - and the fact that, two second before, Jack looked ready to sit down and have a nap.

Mac breathed and time started again. While Jack was still aiming at a sputtering Cole, Mac went to their would be murderer and took great pleasure in bringing him painfully to his knees.

"You bastards-" Cole yelled out before screaming as Mac twisted his shoulder.

He wouldn't have hesitated to kill them painfully, so Mac had no remorse hurting him. The guy was not the smartest of their enemies, but he has shown no self awareness, not an ounce of regret as he put a bullet through Jack's stomach, when he stepped on Mac's injury, when he shot Jack through the head point blank… Mac swallowed harshly, as if glass was ripping out his throat.

Cole cared only about himself, his business and his own life. He killed his family, he killed Aaron, and he never cared.

"Let me go" he sneered at Mac, teeth clenched with pain, face blanching with pain.

"Kid?" Jack asked, his tone as neutral as he could make it, brown eyes worried but supporting as only he could make them.

Mac said nothing, mind blank but for the anger that never really left him since try seventeen. He knew he regretted killing Cole. He  _ knew _ that, but the hatred was still all-consuming, making him someone he didn’t even recognise.

He wanted to murder Cole Morgan.

His heart didn't even sink at the realisation. He wanted to murder him, he took satisfaction in hurting him and he didn’t even feel bad for it. He killed him once for God's sake, and he was ready to do it again. Mac was burning, consuming everything around him, and he wanted to destroy Cole for the memories he could never forget.

Twenty-eighth tries and he still wanted to wipe Jack's warm blood on his cheek from try two.

Cole was talking, screaming, enraged by the pain and the failure. Mac pressed down harder, blinded by the pain of his own failures.

"You killed your family without even blinking" the blond finally bit out, trying not to puke as he remembered the bloody photos of the crime scene. "And for what? A pathetic drug network not even worth CIA's time? Is mediocre the only thing you can do?" Mac whispered, the poisonous voice not his own.

And when Cole insulted him, he only pressed down harder on his wound, until the guy didn't have enough air to scream anymore. It all felt wrong. Mac felt wrong, his body was not his own but his anger's, like a pawn in the destruction he wanted to sow.

"Mac" Jack tried again, more firmly. "Mac look at me."

The words sounded so far away. Mac was in the middle of a burning tornado, but his heart was so cold he wanted to shiver. He was a spectator watching his descent to madness, as he watched Jack die and die and die, each time of a more horrible death than before, each time trying to protect him until the end. He watched the light of his eyes go out twenty-seven times, he felt his still warm blood seeps through his clothes twenty-seven times, he watched him writhe in pain and die quietly and fight through the end and each time, he did nothing. He was nothing without Jack, but he did nothing.

"Angus Macgyver" Jack whispered, and the love he managed to convey through these two words made Mac realise that he was crying on a nearly unconscious Cole. "I can't really understand what's going on, but that's not you."

Their eyes met. Jack, arms steady, eyes so calm they were like an anchor ready to save a boat from the most violent tempest, looked at Mac's blurry eyes. And, Mac didn't know how, he still seemed to see something worth his time and worth his love, someone he wanted to protect and have a future with.

Mac let go of Cole's shoulder.

He looked at his bloodied hand, and at the limp body in front of him, and crawled backward, suddenly realising what he had done - and what he had wanted to do. Jack, gun already lowered, took a step forward, but Mac's choked out "no" stopped him in his tracks.

"Mac, it's okay" he said, tone even and calm. "The guy's not dead, and he's an asshole anyway. And he wanted us dead!"

Mac didn't say anything, tears still falling silently from his eyes. He knew what Cole was capable of but Jack didn’t. Jack listened to Mac's story, he believed in it as much as he could, but he couldn't really imagine what it really meant - what they lived through in this endless evening.  _ But he still trusted Mac _ . Despite everything, he still thought the world of Mac, who let him down every single time it counted and once more here. How could Mac ever deserve him?

"Mac?" His partner tried, taking one small step forward. "Mac, it's okay but you need to breath for me alright?"

Automatically, Mac breathed in, not even having realised that he stopped doing it. He got a painful remember of his probably broken ribs as spots started to dance in front of his eyes. As he tried to regain his bearings, he broke the intense eye-contact with Jack just in time to see Cole's fingers twitch.

It was nearly nothing, so much that he almost missed it. A movement so little it could have been a spasm or an hallucination, but Mac saw it. It felt like suddenly being drenched in freezing water. Before he could say anything, Cole sprung to action - he jumped to his feet more swiftly than Mac thought him able to and his hand darted to a hidden gun in his jacket. Before Jack could even raise his own gun, Cole had his aiming at Jack's heart, one second away from firing.

It was always a matter of seconds. In all these tries, there was a moment, a shift and suddenly Jack was ripped from Mac's life without being given a second to duck. Twenty-seven times and Mac was always too late, spending this infinite evening lagging behind at every corners, his hands hovering in slow-motion above his partner's quickly pooling blood.

One second could change everything. Mac jumped, grabbed Cole's arm from behind and hand in hand, he made them shoot at the sky.

They struggled together, Jack's yells a faraway sounds that Mac couldn't hear over the roaring in his ears. Cole's elbow found Mac's ribs in an effort to throw him off, which took all of the blond's breath away, but he couldn't let go. Letting go meant letting Jack die once again. Letting go would let Cole fire and kill the best thing that ever happened to Mac, the one person Mac loved unconditionally and was not able to live without. Letting go meant living once through again the cold, the blood, his partner's unnatural blue lips as he whispered his last words to Mac - meant losing everything, meant doing it all over again.

If he even had one more chance to spare.

So Mac didn't let go of Cole's hands - he gripped them so hard he drew blood with his fingernails. His ribs put him at a disadvantage however, and his position hindered him as he felt the gun slowly lower against his best efforts. His body was reduced to his pounding heart, half burning and half frozen - a little more and Jack could be dead again.

One second - their linked arms went a fraction down. One second more, Jack would be in the target. Time slowed down, fading away with Mac's hope as he got a glimpse of icy blue eyes - but suddenly, one more second brought him clarity.

Another second and with all the might he had left, Mac pushed and  _ pushed _ .

A shot broke through the heavy silence of the forest like anger from ancient gods, ready to destroy everything which offended it.

Mac met Jack's horrified eyes as he finally let go of the gun, and of Cole's limp hands in his own. A dull thud for the gun falling to the ground. A much heavier sound for Cole, who made a strangled noise before falling silent, his blood reflecting the moonlight prettily. Through and through, from his stomach to his back - the guy didn't stand a chance.

Mac took an unsteady step back, hand coming to his own shirt on instinct, as he did in the seventh try. Jack seemed frozen in place, and the blond could only sympathise, as he experienced it numerous times this evening. He felt cold, but it wasn't the piercing pain from before. As blood rose in his throat, Mac mused that it all came down to this, the cold, which had been his companion this whole night. His heart was encased in ice, numb to the world and its fiery stars, Jack's burning eyes, the warm blood Cole's had choked out on his sleeves, the burning liquid sliding out of his stomach.

But the cold wasn't the enemy, ready to squeeze the life out of him like he thought before. It was a friend, who protected him from the way the world burnt - and Mac knew how to receive friends.

One more step back. Jack croaked out his name, reanimated just as Mac felt himself falling backward hard, the pain driving out of his mind any sort of thought. He choked and coughed more blood, his eyes unable to focus on anything but the moon.

"No, no, please stay with me kid" Jack muttered frantically, his warm hand finding Mac's icy neck, the other pressing so hard on the wound that the blond nearly passed out.

But despite the pain, Mac felt peaceful. He smiled softly at Jack, tears of joy in his own eyes.  _ He did it _ \- finally, he saved Jack. Cole was dead and Jack wasn't. The clock was broken now.

"Come on Mac" Jack begged as he fumbled with his phone, "talk to me!"

"'m sorry" he finally whispered, the only thing he could think of.

He was sorry because he knew how Jack must feel. He was sorry because he let it happen twenty-seven times before he managed to get Jack out of this. He was sorry of not being a better person, a better partner for the man which deserved the world in his eyes. He was sorry that he couldn't keep his eyes open any longer, just as his partner was calling reinforcements.

He wouldn't wake up this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... I am sorry?
> 
> Please refrain from killing me, another chapter is coming! Next sunday, the ending, finally ;)
> 
> You know, I was so stuck on this chapter that I had to restart writing it from scratch because my other chapter seven was not working lol But I'm actually very glad about how that came out! And, even if you probably hate me for it, I like the plot twist!
> 
> Season 4 started!! I didn't watch it yet but I"m so excited for the new content! I hope it'll be good! But if canon is not so great, I know for sure this fandom will make up for it :)
> 
> Thank you for reading!! Get ready for the epilogue!


	8. I'll follow you down (through the eye of the storm)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But he needed to find Jack, so he gathered his courage to try again. It seemed like that was the only thing he ever did these days - try again because he failed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... Ready?
> 
> I must admit I am not! This had been an adventure and I can't help but feel a little lost now that it's over... I wanted to thank you all again for your wonderful support, your comments made me smile like an idiot a lot!! I hope you'll like the end!
> 
> (oh, and sorry for the one day delay!!)

Each time Jack died, the evening started up again, as if they were in an hourglass someone was playing with. And Mac was thrown back violently, feeling each grain of sand pile up on him, suffocating and burying him alive as he tried to reach for Jack.

But this time, Jack didn't die. Suddenly, Mac's objective turned into a starting point, and he was left unbalanced.

If he had come to hate waking up, suddenly being unable to was its own kind of torture. He was floating in the darkness without an anchor, the cold and the pain his lullabies. He dreamt - or at least he thought he did. He dreamt of Cole, of guns and blood and Jack's death, and thought that it would never be over. That he was back there again, without a way out, the clock ticking against him. But it was also different, in a way he couldn't explain - the dark sky had a thicker consistency, drowning him like Jack's blood did.

Sometimes, Jack opened his eyes again. He was as pale as a ghost, his chest still and covered in blood, but he still opened his eyes, and his mouth, and _screamed_. But Mac couldn't do anything against the pure agony in Jack's voice - he was frozen, as if he had become the cold hand of fate himself. Or worse, sometimes he was the one hurting Jack, the one pulling the trigger, even though the gun was burning his hand. He couldn't even scream, prisoner of his own body.

The nightmares then left him in total darkness and, even though he couldn't breathe, it felt like heaven in comparison.

But there was something else. A feeling, on his arm, his hand, his cheek. Voices, inaudible but still comforting, somehow convincing Mac that he wasn't dead. He couldn't grasp this feeling for very long, but if he concentrated enough, he could try to get closer.

And try he did, especially when his nightmare grew more horrifying.

The first thing he clearly felt was a hand holding his own, with one finger tapping lightly on his palm. Later, it was something uncomfortable in his throat. Some words also made their way to him, even if, without context, he could only try to guess what was meant. "Believe", "Make", "Please", "Sorry", "Jack", "Stop"...

"Love".

Once, in the middle of his nightmare, Cole looked right at him and, with Riley's voice, said "Jack needs you to wake up". He shoot him, too, but the sentence resonated in the dark.

_Jack needs you to wake up_.

_Jack needs you_.

_Jack_. 

It felt surreal. Jack needed him. Jack, who wasn’t dead this time, who couldn't be dead, who Mac saved because he couldn't live without him.

**_Jack_**.

"J'ck" he croaked out, and suddenly felt like he was being slammed into the real world.

Weirdly enough, nothing hurt much. Mac was numb, but he could also feel the reality of his body, on a bed, covered by a blanket, a low beeping sound keeping him company. Mac was real, and he finally felt like it. His eyes were closed however, and it took him forever to convince them that he needed to see the world.

He breathed in, slowly, despite the twinge in his chest, and carefully peeled his eyes open. Not by much, but just enough to see that it was dark around him - which was enough to make him completely panic. He _couldn't_ be back there, he just couldn't, he needed- where was Jack?

Throwing caution out the window, Mac feebly tried to get up, and only managed to fall out of the bed - finding, at the same time, where his pain had gone.

Light exploded beneath his eyelids, like beautiful fireworks as he lost what seemed to be all the oxygen in his body. Mac couldn't even scream, his nerves misfiring as his whole world was reduced to pain. Someone was talking, or yelling above him, and someone was touching him, and suddenly he recovered enough breath to scream, and everything was black once again.

Mac didn't even mind, for once.

Waking up a second time came easier, even though the first attempt left him wary. But he needed to find Jack, so he gathered his courage to try again. It seemed like that was the only thing he ever did these days - try again because he failed.

This time, the room was brighter, enough to make him moan in pain. He wasn't alone apparently, since someone gasped in surprise and took his hand, before tentatively calling his name. He counted to three in his head before blinking his eyes open again.

His vision was blurry, but not enough to not recognise Bozer's bright smile and teary eyes.

"Oh god" he breathed out, "I'm so so happy to see you, you jerk!"

"... same" was all that Mac could get out, but it was true. Especially when Bozer helped him drink some water, which felt like heaven on earth.

"Wh-... J'ck?" The blond mumbled, already feeling himself slipping right back into the darkness.

"He's- well, fine, I guess. Your kinda "fine", which is not exactly fine, but I mean, physically, he's okay." Mac sighed in relief, even if his brain had a hard time following Bozer's words. "Sorry, I'm babbling but- jesus, Mac, this was bad. This _is_ bad. Do you even know- sorry. Sorry, you're probably not awake enough for this but-"

Bozer stopped, took a deep breath, and tried to wipe the tears falling from his eyes. Mac wished he could do something, but the only things his was able to move were his eyes and his mouth, for one word at a time. He didn't even know what freaked Bozer out this badly - it wasn't the first time he was hurt.

"S'rry" he slurred out anyway.

"Don't apologise, I'm sorry" Bozer laughed tearfully. "Jack's a mess though and I guess, seeing him this freaked out, well it messed with us too. Our home is filled with pastries from my stress-baking that you probably won't be able to eat, and I'll get an indigestion trying to finish it. And Jack will too because he'll try to help, he feels guilty for everything these days. And you took your sweet time getting better, you- you-! Man, I can't even be mad."

"... 'l'ng?"

"One month. Which is a fucking long time, let me tell you, especially when Jack is spiralling on us for unknown reasons. There's a lot of unknown things" Bozer kept ranting, "and you have some explanations to make but- yeah, when you're more awake. Like, when you can tell me to calm down because you're fine. _That_ 'd be a good indicator - yes I'm rambling again, sorry. Not sure what you'll remember of this though."

"... p'stries. J'ck."

"Of course you'll remember the pastries, if only to mock us!" There was a tense silence, where Bozer tried valiantly to smile and failed. "Don't do that again" he said quietly, and all of the sudden, Bozer seemed much more exhausted than one second ago. "I don't know what really happened because Jack won't tell us everything, even when Matty threatened him. But Mac, this… It can't happen again. If you died-"

His voice came undone on this word, carrying a meaning that Bozer couldn't even think about. He had one month, one month to prepare for the worst as the doctors said to, but he never managed to even try. He baked instead, Mac's favourite pastries, preparing for a return that might have never occurred. Mac beat the odds - but Bozer hadn't been able to imagine what the world would look like if he hadn't. What Jack, Riley, Matty and himself would be, in a world where Angus Macgyver didn't exist.

"You can't die, Mac. Not like this."

Mac tried to smile and, with all the power left in his body, he tightened his fingers around Bozer's hand.

"S'rry… I w'n't" he whispered, before losing his battle with sleep once again.

He dreamt of his house made entirely in pastries, with every of his friends inside, waiting for him. It was a nice respite from Cole's blue eyes on him through the darkness, the time running out being the only thing illuminated in the sky. Mac was home, and Jack was there too, smiling, happy and bullet free.

"You okay?" Mac asked, trying to be louder than the chatter but Jack didn’t seem to hear. He only looked at him with a smile and, without moving his lips, begged Mac to wake up.

"Uh?" The blond tried, before coughing painfully as he realised he was awake and his body hurt like hell.

It took some time, but Mac managed to open his eyes once again. He probably deserved a prize for repeating this feat. Jack's face was above him and Bozer didn't joke when he said that Jack wasn’t fine - his partner looked like he needed an hospital, the dark circles under his eyes the size of a building.

He must have said this out loud, because Jack was laughing, if a little bitterly.

"Finally waking up for me, are you hoss?"

"S'rry" Mac answered again, not quite sure why he was yet, but knowing he had a reason to be. "G'd to see ya"

"Good to see you too, even if I want to strangle you kid. I'll wait until you're recovered."

Jack's attempt at humor fell flat, because he didn’t even try to sell his joke. Exhaustion was radiating off of him in wave, mixed with fear and pain, even if Mac wasn't alert enough to determine where it was coming from. He wished he could say something to make Jack feel better, but he was coming up blank, except for one thing.

"Love you" he whispered, carefully enunciating the words.

Jack's brown eyes found his immediately, startled, before filling with tears. The ex-delta laughed, but it sounded like a sob, and he put his head on the bed near Mac's arm to try to hide the tears that he couldn't stop.

"I love you too" Jack answered, his voice breaking, the terror he felt obvious within the cracks. "I love you so much you idiot, which is why you're not ever allowed to do this again. Never. I can't-"

Jack didn't finish the thought, but Mac understood it all the same. After all, he had a first hand experience of Jack dying, he knew exactly what _can't_ meant in this context.

His partner didn't lift his head up as silence settled over the two of them. Maybe it was because he was still crying, maybe because of his exhaustion. Mac didn't mind, he only wished Jack could lie down and relax properly.

"Cole's dead, as you know" Jack finally said. "Aaron's in jail, and the whole operation has been dismantled - I've made sure of it."

The last sentence's tone left no place for doubt. Mac could imagine perfectly well a restless Jack seeking vengeance without hesitation, and making every people who had part in their suffering lived through twice as much pain. _Good_ , even said the most vicious part of the blond's head - the one who shot Cole's in cold blood, and that Mac despised.

"I didn't tell anyone about the loop" Jack whispered, as if someone was trying to listen right there and then. "I don't think they would have believed me anyway, but James and Matty were pissed. They know I'm hiding something." Mac moved his hand, and Jack took it without raising his head. "I don't care about that though, I wasn't about to betray your trust."

"Thanks" Mac murmured, trying to convey how much he was sorry for putting this burden on Jack. He wasn't sure the message got through, but Jack knew him better than anyone.

Silence, once again, but a comfortable one. Mac even thought that maybe, Jack fell asleep, which he absolutely needed to. But that wasn't the case, his partner was only mulling carefully over his next words.

"I- I've had nightmares" he breathed out nervously, head still on the bed and eyes still invisible for Mac. "Which isn't unexpected, of course but- it's not- it's not the same. The nightmares are about me dying." Jack laughed wetly at that, still struggling to put all of this in words. "I mean, I've dreamt about my death a lot but this- it's too realistic. And you didn't tell me much, but some things… They match what you said."

Maybe Mac should have been relieved. After all, Jack didn’t believe him completely at first, and now, not only his partner had enough proofs to know that Mac wasn't crazy, but the blond himself had someone else to confirm his experience. He wasn't crazy, the loop happened and Jack believed him, what more could he ask for?

He only felt horrified.

The idea that Jack knew how much he had been hurt, how much he had died and how Mac had been useless every time paralysed him. Jack knew. He knew that his partner was an incompetent baby who let him die twenty-seven horrible times before finally putting a stop to it. He _knew_.

"I'm sorry" Mac sobbed, and he felt Jack's head raise up but he couldn't see him through his blurred vision. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I couldn't- I'm sorry" he choked out.

"No, no kid, c'mon" Jack tried to comfort him, wiping Mac's tears softly. "It's not an accusation, it's… Man, _I'm_ sorry. You had to live through this in a way the worst nightmares can't make me fully understand. And it's the only reason I get why you've put yourself in danger and gotten hurt, which is a good thing as I was ready to kill you after this stunt."

Mac snorted, somewhat hysterical, and their eyes finally met again. Jack's were red and teary, but held nothing except kindness and love in them. They still had a long road of recovery before them - both physical and psychological. Mac knew that they could never be the same, that he could never be the same as before this fateful evening. But they survived. They could heal, because they were each other's anchor, helping the other stay afloat - stopping him from drowning in the darkness. They _would_ heal, because...

"At least we're together" he whispered.

"At least we're together" Jack echoed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- The End :)
> 
> God I use a smiley face but I really feel weird about ending this!! It's the first time I manage to finish a multi chaptered story and it took me months! (tbh I started writing in february... So a whole year, even if I posted it in a month and a half... I am very slow!)
> 
> I hope the end was okay, I said it in the tags but as you see, I had no justification for the time loop lmao I just love them alright!!! The Whump Potentiality!!! Please, if you ever hesitated writing time loops because of the justification, forget this and write, I know I would love it
> 
> Tbh I'm not sure what I could be writing next, I'm kind of in the middle of a dry spell... We'll see!
> 
> I feel weird saying goodbye like that to this story, it took so much of my thoughts and my time! But I loved posting it and I loved seeing your reactions! Thank you so much for each and every comments and kudos you left, you are the best!
> 
> If anyone's interested, here are the provenance of each chapter titles (all good songs which inspired me!)  
> \- Ch1: "Another domino falls" - Nine by Sleeping at Last  
> \- Ch2: "Our nights have grown so long" - Mars by Sleeping at Last  
> \- Ch3: "Where all the demons go" - Alive by Sia  
> \- Ch4: "All that I have to lose" - Eight by Sleeping at Last  
> \- Ch5: "Jagged lines" - Anger by Sleeping at Last  
> \- Ch6: "Before something breaks that cannot be fixed" - Son by Sleeping at Last  
> \- Ch7: "I'm not sorry there's nothing to save" - Your ex-lover is dead by Stars  
> \- Ch8: "I'll follow you down (through the eye of the storm" - same title by Shinedown
> 
> This is very long sorry! As you see, my tastes have not been very diverse lol a lot of sleeping at last but it's really good inspiration!!
> 
> Thank you again, I hope you liked this story ;)


End file.
